Mom of One—and Done!

What's That Sound???

2012-03-08T21:43:00.001-05:00

The new thing that Little Man says to me every day since his myringotomy (ear tube surgery) last Thursday. I realize it's been a week and I haven't updated my blog. As you know, my mom is in a care facility after lung surgery and a feeding tube insertion from complications of Parkinson's Disease.

Anyway... last Thursday, March 1st, was the big day. Little Man was scheduled to be at the surgical center at 6:15 am. Since it was a half hour's drive, we had to be up at 5 am to shower and out of the door by 5:45 am. We got there right on time and found out that he was the first procedure.

The first issue was getting him in his surgical gown and these giant yellow socks (for a 2-1/2 year old). He did NOT like either. And even Daddy getting into HIS gown (to go into the OR with him) didn't make things better. What did?

STICKERS!

"Dowa! Dowa! Emmo! Bappap! Boots! Spiderman!"

We were told it would be quick but didn't realize HOW quick. I think his ENT was letting us know it went well only about 10 minutes after my husband came back from the OR (he stayed with him as the anesthesiologist put him out). Apparently there was a LOT of fluid in his right ear (less in the left) but it went well. And when Little Man was brought out to us, he was SCREAMING. My Little Man was PISSED OFF. Apparently a common reaction post-anesthesia. It took him a good 15-20 minutes to calm down. It was us asking him if he wanted to go home that did it. He said "Outta here!" And so we went. After we got him dressed, of course.

The last week has had it's ups and downs. The downs were A) putting antibiotic ear drops in his ears 3 times a day for 3 days. But we got through it. And B) bathing him. His ENT said no water can get into his ears and suggested either cotton balls with vaseline to create a seal or ear plugs. We did the plugs and he FREAKED. He literally was terrified by them and was shaking and crying. After two baths, I can't imagine doing it again. I'm not sure what to do.

BUT... the UPS. "What's that sound, Mama?"

He definitely can hear better. He repeats what we say. His words are clearer. And he's become even more of a chatterbox. So I feel glad that we helped him when he had a hearing problem. Hopefully his speech will improve even more over the next few weeks—and months. I'll let you know how it goes.

A Little Bit of My Childhood Passed Away

2012-02-29T21:31:00.001-05:00

RIP Davy Jones.

I'm quite sad about this. It makes me think of my mom, too, who is only 3 years older than Davy Jones and her mortality. I haven't seen her since Monday and I just feel so sad.

Ear Tubes

2012-02-25T21:52:00.000-05:00

So my son who never had chronic ear infections as an infant, though he has had three over the the last six months (and one sinus infection), is getting ear tubes on Thursday. He's getting them because he has "mild to moderate hearing loss" in both of his ears. I saw two different ENTs, the second opinion being a pediatric otolaryngologist. Both agreed that the tubes are the way to go, especially for a child with a speech delay. I'm told he hears as though he has cotton in his ears. Muffled. So my husband and I agreed that it was for his benefit to do the surgery (with the pediatric otolaryngologist) and it's scheduled for this coming week.

This is the Mayo Clinic definition about the surgery: Ear Tubes

Little Man's speech therapist feels that the loss hasn't hindered his progress, but she also is interested to see if the tubes help with his diction. I'm not sure how it will help his speech—or even his balance, which is somewhat poor—and if the tubes will aid his development. Hopefully it will. But at the very least, we'll be fixing his hearing and that's a good thing.

The main things I'm worried about after this procedure are

Little Man being in pain
Little Man being scared
Bathing him after the tubes, because he'll need ear plugs to protect his ears

I am somewhat prepared for the post anesthesia reaction since he, sadly, had surgery when he was 11 months old for an unresolved Hydrocele. It was rough. He was screamed and was inconsolable for quite a while. At the time, he still drank formula and he needed two bottles to settle down, after the fast and the surgery. Little Man is older now and understands SO much. I guess I have to explain to him what's going to happen and hope for the best. And have something for him to eat when he wakes up, if the nurses allow it.

I hate that he needs this, but I hope his hearing is much improved after the surgery.

My Mom

2012-02-14T21:35:00.001-05:00

I know I wrote a brief update last week about my mom's hospitalization and how the last few weeks have affected me—and my whole family. But it was brief and I have a lot of thoughts that I feel I want to get off my chest. Though writing them down, publicly, is somewhat daunting.

Six years ago, I'd never have thought my mom would be lying in a bed in a nursing home, trapped in her own body. Unable to speak. Unable to move. Destroyed by Parkinson's Disease. Six years ago we took a mother-daughter vacation to Walt Disney World. We danced along with parades and ate ice cream at midnight after seeing Circe du Soleil.

This is what we looked like:

My mom will never travel again. That makes me so sad, because she loved to explore new places and see the sights. She loved seeing Broadway shows... but I don't think she'll do that either. Not unless she surprises all her doctors with an amazing recovery and isn't ashamed to go to a show in a wheelchair. And that's assuming a lot of things.

I blame myself for a lot of how my mom deteriorated. I saw it but turned a blind eye to things and let my dad say that she was OK. That she had seen doctors and, despite the weight loss, they didn't seem too concerned. But when my dad went to Houston on business that last Thursday of January, I knew things were much worse than I thought.

Due to the Parkinson's Disease, my mom lost her ability to swallow. The food and Ensure shakes she was eating/drinking went into her chest cavity and brought on Pneumonia. She had two surgeries in less than a week and the result is a most-likely permanent feeding tube and the risk of aspiration from being unable to swallow her own saliva.

It's not easy leaving her alone there. But I have an active 2-1/2 year old son to keep up with. He has a lot of his own challenges—the most recent is hearing loss from the fluid in his ears and possible surgery (tubes) to fix it. So I am quite overwhelmed by it all and haven't found the balance yet. I hope I do soon.

Brief Update

2012-02-10T14:12:00.002-05:00

My mother was in the hospital for 13 days. She is currently in a subacute rehab facility and I'm not 100% confident that I made the right decision pressing for that location. She communicated that she was disappointed by her care. I'm hoping things will improve but if they do not, I will look to see where she can be moved. I am extremely worried about her future. I do not see how she can improve at this point. She cannot talk. She cannot swallow. She cannot move her body. She is mentally fine but with all the physical issues, it's taking an extreme emotional toll on her.

And I don't think I can manage it all without having a nervous breakdown. I have a 2.5 year old to take care of and dog and dinner and myself and my husband... I'm not sure how I'll do it all. And nobody else can really help me with this. Everyone else has their own lives and I can't ask them to put them on hold indefinitely. So my poor mother only sees me for an hour here and there and she is alone and unable to communicate.

I know I am doing my best and trying to advocate for my mom, but it's overwhelming.

I am soon off to an ENT for my son and it's like the day is never-ending. I would have napped but I was afraid I wouldn't have woken for the appointment. I am THAT exhausted. It's a good thing that I'm not working full-time now or I'd have lost it completely.

More thoughts later.

Mothering MY Mother

2012-01-30T21:44:00.001-05:00

My mom has never been a strong person. She is more apt to let someone else take the lead. But she used to be stubborn and would not give in to someone else, if she didn't agree with them. Not so much the last few years. I was amazed that she put such effort into planning my wedding in 2008. But she did with enthusiasm. That was the last time she was so excited, I think.

In part, it's because of her neurological issues. She has had a tremor since she was 60. It was eventually diagnosed as an Orthostatic Tremor and she has been going to Columbia in NYC for her consults the last 5 or 6 years. In addition to the Orthostatic Tremor, she eventually was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. This was also in 2008.

In the last 4 years, her condition has deteriorated beyond belief—most of the decline in the last 12 months, the last 4 in particular. And in addition she is depressed. No wonder, considering how she went from an active woman who loved to travel to someone who can barely walk or eat, due to the cruel progress of Parkinson's Disease.

Last week, when my father and brother were on a business trip, I took my mom (along with her sister) to a Pulmonologist to consult on a chest x-ray that showed fluid in her pluera just outside her lung. He felt that it was due to her Parkinson's and she was admitted to the local hospital. Today she received a peg tube for feeding as she is unable to swallow (from the Parkinson's). This is a huge change in her life. It will be good in that she will have better nutrition. But the emotional change will be stark, I think. Even though she has not been able to eat, and the poor nutrition has greatly affected her, I don't know how she will react.

And I've been exhausted from going back and forth between her room and home, to be with Little Man. My best friend helped that first day and extended family has done so since. Tomorrow will be the first day I am unable to spend quality time with my mother and it upsets me, as there is a lot to figure out. My father also comes home tomorrow, so he will be involved from then on. I feel like I went around him, but it could not be avoided.

I hope that she will have a brief stay at a rehab facility and that, once she's home, she is in better shape overall. I'm not sure how this will turn out. I am very worried about her and her emotional state. I am praying that things will go smoothly, but I am not holding my breath. I guess we'll see.

Trader Joe's and Food Woes

2012-01-25T21:30:00.000-05:00

Many of my mom friends have suggested purchasing food at Trader Joe's for Little Man, so today I had some time to drive over to the closest one (which is about 20 minutes away) and I wasn't that impressed. But... I also had no idea what to try and what would be a complete waste.

What did I end up buying? Yogurt. Chocolate Cat Cookies (MY favorite thing there). Frozen vegetables for a future stir fry. And chocolate covered blueberries. Not for Little Man, but for me. My trip to TJ's is NOT going to help my diet plan. (I'm a Weight Watcher's Lifetime member, who is a few pounds over goal.) But I digress.

Anyway, I guess the yogurt was a good thing since it's all Little Man seems to want to eat lately. His eating habits frustrate me and I often wish I had tried "Baby Led Weaning" when he was an infant. Maybe he wouldn't be so picky a toddler. But I think of his oldest cousin, L, who was VERY picky and only ate pasta (at least in my presence) for the longest time. He's 8, nearly 9, now and apparently is a better eater now. So there could be hope. Plus the Occupational Therapist is supposedly going to help with this too. I'm looking forward to that starting but I haven't heard anything yet.

When Little Man got sick last month, it affected his appetite as a whole. He's lost a pound. That is SO weird to me, since he's always been on the higher side for weight. I'm sure it's fine, going from 34 lb to 33... but it was unusual. He even snacks less than before. It used to be he snacked TOO much and that was affecting his meals. But he's even refused Animal Crackers. Today was the first day he snacked and ate a relatively decent dinner.

As for me... my prior post about being overwhelmed is still true. So I'm making poor food choices and not tracking on my Weight Watcher's app. I don't *think* I've gained any more weight, but I'm not happy with how I've been eating. I need to get back to tracking this weekend no matter what!

Well, that was a bit of an up-and-down blog today, right? I do like Trader Joe's, however. I think next time I'll go alone and then I won't feel like I can't REALLY check out all their stuff. Though I'll definitely have to resist the baked goods—they looked delicious!

Polar Bears?

2012-01-24T08:10:00.001-05:00

Little Man is becoming more and more verbal. Thank goodness for progress! And for some reason when it snowed this weekend he thought polar bears were living in our backyard shed.

Driving to school yesterday he asked me: "Where da polar bears house?" I think because he saw another shed. But it was funny.

As the snow melts, I wonder what he's thinking. And how to explain melting.

Overwhelmed by it all

2012-01-16T16:06:00.000-05:00

There are days I just goof off on Facebook with a wonderful group of mom friends I met on a forum for parents over 35. Then there are days when I am like a hermit, avoiding everyone but Little Man and my husband. I've come to accept that I am battling a type of depression that I'm not willing to get help for because I feel like I have NO TIME for myself, and that's not just poor scheduling. I really don't.

My son takes up a lot of my time (and I'm not complaining, he's the light of my life) with ferrying to and from his daycare/preschool and being home for his Early Intervention therapy sessions, which will be increasing soon to address some gross motor and adaptive self-help delays. Then there is the dog(s). I give a plural because I invariably end up taking care of my brothers' dogs because he is too ill to do so himself. It's getting to be a lot to handle. Then you add my mom to the mix...

She is so depressed that she hasn't been eating and is practically skin and bones. She barely weighs 100 lb and while that is an improvement from the 93 lb she was last month (fully dressed, no less!), you have to literally feed her to make her eat. I am not that patient a person and I am completely fed up with her now. I wasn't last year, when we moved in to help with care and upkeep of the house. But now...

There's a difference between someone being amenable to being cared for and one who just lies like a log and doesn't leave her bed or shower or seem to care about her only daughter and only grandchild. She's not having another one because I'd expect a Powerball win before my brother has a child. And my dad is probably too overwhelmed by everything, despite his gruffness and shrugging it off, to really be of help. Or he is in denial. But I think my mom needs to be hospitalized. I don't have it in me to be a full-time caregiver to someone who doesn't HELP ME. At least my 2.5-year-old son is getting better with feeding himself and dressing himself (and EI will help that). My 69-year-old mother prefers being an invalid hermit to anything else. She has pushed everyone who cares for her away... her sister can't be there and I'm just too tired from doing it all. I wish I had a new, high-paying job and Little Man could be in daycare and away from the negativity that this house exudes.

I'm nearly 42 years old and am not THAT old but I feel older than I am. My age and poor financial decisions are why we decided to be "one and done" but I think if I hadn't been convinced before, I would be now. I need a light at the end of the tunnel... a child who is potty trained, sleeps in a bed, doesn't use a pacifier and feeds himself. I realize I'll be caring for him for many years to come, but I guess I need some self-care too.

I wish I could justify a spa day... but I need to cut back the spending and start saving so SOMETHING will change for the better.

Happy New Year

2012-01-02T22:17:00.000-05:00

And hopefully a HEALTHY one!

The last 10 days were rough here in the suburbs. Little Man woke up on Friday 12/23 with a fever of 102 and a juicy cough (he'd had one for a month, which I was told was due to teething). So off to the pediatrician I went, to be told it was likely bacterial after all this time. Sent home with a Z-pack and hoping we'd still be able to make a trip to Virginia on the 27th to see friends.

Nope. Christmas weekend was ROUGH. Little Man's fever fluctuated between 100.4 and 103.4 and he was just miserable. There were two afternoons when he only slept ON me. So on Monday morning we drove to the pediatrician for their walk-in hours (8-9 am on Mondays and Tuesdays) and waited to be seen. Apparently several children were quite sick. When we did see the doctor, we found out that he had double ear infections and low oxygen levels (along with a fever of over 102). He was dosed with Advil, we did a nebulizer treatment (our first), and were sent home with a prescription for Omicef and Albuterol, and the nebulizer too. I was concerned re: Omnicef, since Little Man is allergic to Amoxcillin and I'M allergic to both Penicillin (Amoxicillin) and Omnicef. But his doctor said that it wasn't always the case and to give it a try.

When we got home, I felt terrible too and both Little Man and I napped. But Monday was still rough and we canceled our vacation. Tuesday was his recheck (of oxygen levels) and I made an appointment for MY doctor. The hubby dropped me off, took Little Man to the pedi, and I was quickly diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection (and given a Z-pack). I was picked back up and back to the pharmacy we went (our third trip in 5 days) for my prescriptions. We gave Little Man his 2nd dose of Omincef and a few hours later he had a rash. I wasn't sure if it was a reaction, since he was also sweating and it looked like heat rash too. So we gave it to him again on Wednesday and... HIVES.

So on Thursday, one week after our first visit to the pediatrician, we went BACK. This time we were told to discontinue antibiotics, as his ears looked better—I guess 3 days of a Z-pack that didn't work and 3 days of Omnicef, which caused an allergic reaction, did the trick. But the pediatrician we saw (same as I saw on Friday, but different than Monday and Tuesday) this time, and I like them all in this group, gave a Rx for Prednisone. That was trip number 4 to the pharmacy in 7 days. Our pharmacist was so nice, and concerned about our health. We go to a national chain, but the people working there are definitely not big business.

Friday (12/30) we finally are feeling almost human so we head to visit my in-laws. But since Little Man and I are still coughing and exhausted, we head home after lunch. Both of us take late naps (after 2 pm) and when we wake, we feel somewhat better. Saturday was better still, but I was not up for a trip to a local zoo and we only visited friends. But it was a nice play date. I think New Year's Day was the first day we truly felt "back to normal" and Little Man had fun on his swing set in the back yard. I'm still coughing, but I think finally on the mend.

So here's to health and happiness in 2012! And a pic of Little Man "swinging in the New Year."

Eight Crazy Nights

2011-12-22T21:24:00.002-05:00

I don't think it's a secret that I'm of a religious minority but it's also not something I broadcast, either. Sadly it's because there are a LOT of Anti-Semitic people in the world. I've been told I was going to hell from more Christians than I care to say. I'm not even that religious... it's more cultural. But I identify with being Jewish and hope to raise my son in my (and my husband's) faith. Dude is much more lapsed than I am, so it will be primarily up to me.

So I'm starting small. Chanukah. The festival of lights. The eight crazy nights (thanks Adam Sandler) where we give presents to our children to make them feel less slighted about Santa not dropping presents off on Christmas Eve. Chanukah (or Hanukkah) is a relatively minor holiday and is not very religious. It commemorates a miracle where, after a war, oil in the temple lasted for eight nights when it should not have lasted for even one. At least that's what I remember and I'm too lazy to Google right now to find a better description.

It started on Sunday, with our family celebration (a few days early, but Dude's sister's family was off on vacation this week and we didn't want to travel on Christmas). Little Man, I think, was overwhelmed by all the chaos—his 6 cousins and aunts, uncles, grandparents and tons of presents. But on Tuesday night, he GOT it. PRESENTS!

We lit the menorah, and he started singing "Happy Birthday to you." Not so clearly as I wrote it, but definitely understandable. And then he asked to "blow can-ell" and I had to say it wasn't a birthday cake. But it does make sense that he'd make that association. And Dude and I presented him with his BIG present from us. The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse play set, which is no longer available on Disney's website. He gets so excited. OPEN! OPEN! So we do and set it up and...

There are several parts missing!!!

What do I do? It was sold out? But I call Disney and, lo and behold, there are 5 in stock and they are sending a replacement along with a return label (or so I thought) for the broken one—which I cannot pack up now, as my two-year-old is OBSESSED with Mickey. I am thrilled. But today I was less so when UPS arrives at my door to retrieve the defective set before I got the replacement (which arrives tomorrow). I'm like: sorry! And I convince the UPS guy to give me the return label to send back on Monday. I hope the new one has all the parts.

Yesterday my oldest friend, who I met when we were in 7th grade, got Little Man a Huffy Mickey tricycle! I was so excited! Little Man didn't get a trike for his birthday, like I'd hoped (and thought, but I should never expect a present and know that). So he wanted that opened too. Thankfully I convinced him to wait (and hid the box in the garage) for daddy.

Here is Little Man "texting while tricycling" in my Family Room. (He's playing the Zoola app on my old iPod Touch, which has become his phone.) I love this boy!

Happy Hanukkah!

70 Years Ago Today

2011-12-07T15:31:00.001-05:00

This 1941 photo shows the U.S. Pacific Fleet as it burns in its home base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii after Japanese warplanes made a surprise attack. / AFP / Getty Images

If you haven't got your health, then you haven't got anything. ...

2011-12-02T09:19:00.001-05:00

I agree but disagree. My friend from college, Dave, found out early last month that he has cancer. Today he is having an above-the-knee amputation of his right leg. And he is, to me, so brave and upbeat. I'm sure that a lot of that is only part of how he feels--because I can only imagine how scared he is. He has two amazing sons and a wonderful family to support him. Plus his many friends. And I'm not necessarily a close friend. The last time I saw him was at a mutual friend's birthday party two years ago, when my son was only 3 months old. But thanks to Facebook, I've "kept in touch" and have followed his ups and downs.

So while he may not have his health right now, I think he has everything--and I want him to have everything. I hope it's OK with him that I share his blog (as he's en route to the hospital for his surgery, I cannot ask at this time and will delete the link if needed). He's simply amazing, I think. And I am grateful that I know him.

http://mydaveblog.wordpress.com/

Cancer sucks. It really does. My late maternal grandfather battled lung cancer. My late maternal grandmother died from cancer, too. Breast cancer that spread. A childhood friend lost his first wife at the age of 30 to colon cancer. Another college friend lost his mother to colon cancer too. Sadly, several of my friends have lost parents, at an early age to cancer.

But I also know several cancer survivors. Most from Breast Cancer. But I am positive that my friend Dave will be one too--a survivor.

Molar Mayhem

2011-11-29T21:33:00.001-05:00

They're here!

Oy vey.

The two year molars finally arrived—and with a vengeance. Little Man was an absolute beast on Thanksgiving morning. I left him to Dude, so I could watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. I pretty much disappeared with my coffee for an hour or so. Then I did some work around the house and it was lunchtime but it was too late... we didn't feed Little Man fast enough and he had a MAJOR meltdown. Then Dude had one and he yelled at our son, and put him to bed without his lunch. I wasn't too happy about that, so I headed to the supermarket to pick up a fruit platter to take to my sister-in-law's house (for Thanksgiving dinner) and when I came back, I just went into the bedroom and took a nap.

When Little Man woke up, he was STARVING and, thus, even crankier than before. It took a good hour to calm him down and feed him some yogurt and blueberries. But he did calm down and we had a nice Thanksgiving with my husband's family. My parents and brother stayed home, since my mom's depression and my brother's chronic pain caused them to be hermits. I feel bad for my dad, but he wasn't going to leave them alone.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving? When Little Man found my nephew's unattended piece of chocolate cake (for Dude's older brother's birthday) and just started chowing down! Nobody was looking... there was cake... why not?

See?

Friday was BUSY busy BUSY. We moved toys and furniture from my office back home. Since I'll need a desk and chair, we had to move it. We also moved a bookshelf so I can finally, after 11 months, unpack my book collection. I miss my books. And Little Man's room was rearranged but he seems happy to have his train table and kitchen in his bedroom.

He was happier on Friday but still had some cranky moments. And LOTS of chewing.

Saturday he was COUGHING nonstop! And sneezing. And just miserable. And since he'd had a sinus infection only a few weeks ago, we took him to the pediatrician. She told us that he was cutting 3 of his 4 two-year molars at once! Poor kiddo. That explained a lot.

So since then he's basically had his "me me" in his mouth whenever he can get away with it (me me = pacifier) and he is eating apple slices like there is no tomorrow. Apples must be nice and cold and hard on those new teeth.

At least we're nearly done. Only one more tooth to come and we're all done with teething. Yay.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

2011-11-21T13:55:00.001-05:00

Not in my nuclear family--we are still one and done and a family of 3 (plus dog) but in my work life. For the last 8 years, I've worked for my father's business which imports and manufactures masquerade items and sells to stores and online retailers. Until two years ago, we were doing quite well and it was the ideal job to work and care for my son. But due to the state of the economy, the business has been doing poorly and we have to downsize greatly.

For me, that means some different things. I'll still work for my dad, but the plan is for me to work from home most of the time. I'm not sure how well that will work out. I also may be the only employee who deals with our customers and I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of this with an active two-year-old. And it's been very hectic packing up our current office (we have to relocate) and set up my home office in the room next to Little Man's bedroom.

That room, since Dude and I moved into my family home, has been like a catchall for junk. There are items there that my parents haven't even looked at in 30 plus years! I found a box of bank receipts from the year my parents moved into the house when I was 6 months old. It's crazy! And, yesterday when Dude pulled up the carpeting in the room (original to the house), we found there was a water leak and there is MOLD in the corner by a built-in unit, by the sole window, and I'm not sure how easy it will be to clean up--plus I'm not sure what damage the water did to the flooring (wood under the carpet). Otherwise we're well on our way to getting the room set up for me to work in and to FINALLY unpack my book collection--once we've put up new shelving.

Now this is the plan. But, since I'm not feeling too optimistic about the long-term potential for this career path, I'm also sending out resumes and hoping to find a new job. That would be a HUGE change. Little Man would have to go to daycare full time and I don't know how well he'd adjust. He'd have his EI sessions at school and I would be less involved in them. But if I do get a new job, I'll have an escape from my family and potentially a better salary and benefits. I've applied for one position that would be great (not a guarantee) and I'm very nervous about that. But nothing risked, nothing gained--plus I have no true risk since if I don't get the job, I'm still where I was.

So lots ahead of me. I'll have a quiet December overall as the office relocates since I can't actually do too much to help there. Only a few hours each day while Little Man is in "school." And come January, I'll either be at a new job or figuring out working from home--caring for my son and my mom. This won't be easy.

November: Almost Gone

2011-11-18T15:14:00.001-05:00

I've only blogged once this month. There are various reasons why. One is that work sucks and my career path is in jeopardy. Two is that I've been sick with two sinus infections. There is that Little Man has been sick with a sinus infection as well. Add allergy testing and familial issues to the mix... well, that equals one SweetNJMom with little time to blog. That would be me.

So the quick highlights of November... starting with the biggie from earlier this week. Little Man does not fall onto the Autism Spectrum and "just" has a language delay. We took him to a developmental pediatrician (cost to us to be determined later) and she felt that he was "delightful" and that while he does have some sensory issues, he should outgrow them. She did feel it was good that he was in EI and getting therapy but that, overall, he's a bright, happy child who should catch up given time.

Other November highlights...

Falling asleep on the sofa and waking up to see Little Man shirtless
Going to Nordstrom and finding out that Little Man is a size 9.5 medium now (his old shoes were 8 wide!)
Hearing Little Man say his name (sort of) for the first time
Getting a kiss from my son
Watching my child hug his classmates and dance to "Ring-Around-the-Rosie"

He's now 2-1/4 and time is going by SO fast! My Little Man weighs 33 lb and is firmly wearing size 3T clothing. He looks like a BOY more than a baby. I can understand why mothers yearn for a new baby around this time. It's there, a bit, in the back of my mind. But then I think of how much I love my child and how I want so many other things for his life—as well as mine and Dude's—and that thought passes quickly.

I think it's because November is an important month for me. I was engaged on November 1, 2007. Little Man was conceived in November in 2008. And November truly marks, to me, the change from warmth to cold. From light to dark. This November is bringing more dark than light to my life but I hope as the season changes, life will also do so, and for the better.

I'll try to be better with my blog. Not that I have many followers, but at the very least for myself.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-02T19:29:00.001-04:00

Little Man to English Dictionary

2011-10-18T20:44:00.000-04:00

In the last two months, since starting therapy services through Early Intervention, Little Man's vocabulary has increased by leaps and bounds. I can't really keep track of all the words he says—he's likely at a couple hundred individual words—but I want to start noting down the cute ways he mangles the English language. I know it's common in toddlers and I'm just enjoying the way he says things.

Here are what I remember off the top of my head. I'll post blog entries under Toddler Speak periodically and eventually mourn the loss when his diction improves.

Oh-In = Open
Puh-In = Pumpkin
Plau = Pluto
Donnuh Duck = Donald Duck (his favorite)
Me Mou = Mickey Mouse
(Goofy he says perfectly now)
Chee-Ohs = Cheerios
Baums = Teddy Grahams (not sure why)
Mal Crah = Animal Crackers
Caykee = Casey (our dog)
Gawaffe = Giraffe
Effent = Elephant
Wion = Lion
Ah-pull = Apple
Pee-Pah = Pizza
Pah-Tah = Pasta
Muh-In = Muffin (generally prefers corn)

And I love when he burps (whether truly or deliberately) and then goes: "Oose Me!" He's being polite! He's also said "Peese" for please and he asks for both hugs and kisses. He's such a sweet little boy and I'm so blessed to have him.

The Impact of Bullying

2011-10-14T15:33:00.001-04:00

I'm glad that bullying has been very present in the news lately. I'm not glad that it is, because I feel so badly for children who are bullied. But I'm glad it's being reported and that it seems to be getting more serious attention. Sadly it wasn't the case when I was a child.

I was bullied from the time I was 8 years old until I went to college. By then the damage was done and I was a mix of restraint and complete openness which didn't really serve me well. While I did have some very supportive friends, a few who I am still friends with today, I also chose toxic people who did my self-esteem more harm than good. I'm not sure why. But, then I had such a low self image that it makes sense. And I hardly dated until I was 35. Somehow, around that time, I got some more self-confidence back--or I just didn't care and was willing to take more chances than before.

I remember being teased in the Second Grade by another child. That child, whoever she was, just said something mean to me. And I started crying in the classroom. My teacher at the time was a nasty older woman (at least to my 8-year-old memory, I have no idea how old she really was) and she sent me to the principal's office for crying. And I think by doing so, I was conditioned to just "take it" from then on. I felt that I had no support. And I was only 8 years old!

Most of the children in my neighborhood were not nice to me. I remember being chased up a huge snow mound, during that Winter in the late 70s, and the kids--who lived next door or across the street--were throwing snowballs with rocks in them at me. My dad rescued me and spoke to their parents. And while it stopped any physical abuse, the emotional torture got worse.

For some reason I was called Cheese. It started because another little girl, who eventually moved away, ate American cheese on the school bus. She was Cheese 1 and I was Cheese 2 because I was friends with her. After she moved, I was the sole target and the lone Cheese. Maybe I got that name from the song with this line: "The cheese stands alone." I sure did.

I'm not even sure what else to say. I remember a neighbor girl asking me to play and I was so thrilled to be included. We played doctor (not in a sexual sense) and she jabbed me with real needles! Real needles! I was maybe 10 at the oldest. Around that time I did have a few good friends, one girl named Jennifer was particularly sweet. And, oddly, in middle school I had a large circle of friends and I wasn't really tortured those 2 years. (At the time, middle school was just 7th and 8th grades so the older kids weren't around.)

By high school it got somewhat better as I went to a regional high school and the kids from the other town didn't have preconceived notions about me. But the kids who put me down were still there and their mental torment was overpowering. Just nasty comments about my looks and my hair or my glasses. A friend asked me to his Junior Prom (when I was a Sophmore) and his friends said, within my hearing, you asked HER?? She's an ugly dog! He ended up getting the Chicken Pox that Spring and we didn't go. And I tried to kill myself by taking an entire bottle of aspirin with some vodka that I found in my dad's liquor cabinet. I was only 16. So young. Too young to give up.

Thankfully it didn't work. And my best friend, who is my best friend to this day, was a big part of why. She kept giving me reasons to live. One simple one was a new Duran Duran album. Sad but true but my teenage crush kept me going. And by college I was seeing therapists for depression. I managed throughout my 20s to hang on, but the year I turned 30 I hit rock bottom. I was single. A virgin. No prospects. I felt I was ugly and unappealing. And I was having thoughts of harming myself again. So I got help. Antidepressants and therapy is what saved me. And my dog Casey, who I rescued that Summer.

Honestly, to this day, I still often doubt that anyone truly wants to be my friend or desires my company. Even though I KNOW in my head that I am well regarded by many and shouldn't care about those who do not like me. But there are days when it's really hard to remember that. And now that I have a son who has a speech delay, I worry about his future. Will this affect him? Will he be liked? Will he be able to get along with others? I want my son to have a better childhood than I did.

Not that my entire childhood sucked. It didn't. There WERE good times. But the memories of being called names, being hit and pinched, being told I was ugly and didn't deserve to live (yes, that happened once) sometimes overshadow the good memories. But at least I know about this and can be there for Little Man in any way he needs.

Boo at the Zoo

2011-10-10T22:03:00.002-04:00

Every year, in October, the Bronx Zoo has "Boo at the Zoo" where the creepy crawly creatures at the zoo are featured and there are treat stations at various spots in the zoo. Kids (and adults) also dress in costume. Our first visit to the zoo was 1 year ago today (10/10/10) and we ended up going yesterday (10/9/11) during a gorgeous, sunny, Indian-Summer October day.

I wasn't feeling so great (see last blog post) having a nasty cold and feeling quite congested. But when I woke up, I took a Zyrtec D and felt well enough to head East. The drive from where we live in NJ isn't too bad. As long as you leave early you don't hit a lot of traffic. So we left a bit after 9 am and arrived a bit after 10 am (after a wee bit of a delay by the zoo entrance, on the Bronx streets).

The first thing we did was head to the Monorail by Wild Asia (basically the opposite end of the zoo from where we parked). The last time we did that, there was a long line and entertaining Little Man (who wasn't walking at the time) was NOT easy. Plus he was heavy. This year the line was short and we were on a tram car within minutes. Little Man still made my husband carry him. I think he was nervous. He's not very good about walking when there are crowds. I think he feels overwhelmed. But we managed to get him to walk by himself a bit.

GIRAFFE!!!!

Anyway, I digress. We saw lots of animals. He LOVED the elephants and was saying the word (pretty close to how it really says) often. He liked pretty much every animal. But what he liked the most were the ducks at the Children's Zoo. He LOVES ducks. So he spent a good 20 minutes just watching the ducks and quacking back at them. It was really sweet.

We're members of the zoo and I can't wait to go back. It's one of my favorite places now. Even more so now that Little Man is really into the animals. He was in awe of the giraffes and gorillas. He was thrilled to see ducks, drakes, goats, cows and alpacas. He loves animals. And even though there's a very nice little zoo closer to us (Turtleback Zoo), there's something majestic about the Bronx Zoo and I'm glad we're close enough to go pretty often.

When Mom is Sick

2011-10-08T21:53:00.001-04:00

She doesn't get a break like Dad does. I'm not sure why. Though, perhaps it would be different if the dad was the primary caregiver. But in my case, I still generally do more. This is NOT to say that Dude doesn't do a lot as father. He does. He's very involved. But it generally seems to fall upon me to do more.

I have a cold. It's just a cold. But I'm feeling pretty crappy and I want to rest and I CAN'T. I tried to nap and my sister-in-law called to check in on us. So no nap. Then Little Man woke up. Dude tried to take him out to play on the swing set but someone was mowing the lawn and scared him. I was trying to rest and watch Project Runway. That ended.

And I feel terrible for complaining. I love my son. I yearned for him. But I guess I'm selfish. I like me time probably just as much. I guess it's a good thing I'm only having one child. I don't think I'd be able to divide my time. And add my parents to the mix...

There's more to it. But even though I'm pretty open here on the interwebs, I realize that I should show discretion, too. Not all of my life should be an open book. Even though I find my blog to be cathartic. I know I need to keep some things private.

I guess that's the worse part of when I get a cold. My mind wanders.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-05T14:28:00.004-04:00

Big Bear Chase Me

2011-09-29T15:52:00.001-04:00

I live in Northern New Jersey. Many people view my home state as a place of chemical plants, urban areas or possibly think we're like the cast of Jersey Shore (most are from Staten Island, by the way) or The Sopranos. But where I live it's pretty much like every suburban neighborhood you've seen—with shopping malls, diners and small towns. But... we're close to wooded areas and we have a lot of deer, coyotes (that I find kind of odd) and bears.

Yeah, bears.

My BFF has seen them often, as she lives in a more rural area in my town. But they have meandered into more suburban areas, too. My office is also in the town where I live, only about 5 miles from my house—but closer to my BFF's—and there is a wooded area, almost a wetlands marshy spot, behind the warehouse and that's where we keep our dumpsters.

On Tuesday afternoon, I was heading home with Little Man and Casey (our dog goes to work with me, too) for his DI session. I was delayed by a stealth poop and was rushing out. I was NOT holding Little Man's hand and he was following behind me and Casey. I put Casey into the car first since Little Man was right by me. But then he started running back to the office. I dropped my bags into the car and ran back after him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something moving by the dumpster. Initially I thought it was a car and I grabbed my son, worried for his safety. As I got closer to the car, my worry intensified because...

It was a BEAR! A really BIG bear!!!

I quickly strapped Little Man down into his car seat. Before I drove home, I called the office to let them know to be careful. They all ran to the warehouse loading dock to get a better look at the black bear. I then drove a bit closer (but not that much closer) and, with my hands shaking, I got another photo with my iPhone. Both are pretty blurry due to my shakes and the phone camera not being as good as my Canon. But you get the picture.

I had an urge to watch the John Candy and Dan Aykroyd movie, The Great Outdoors again. This exchange always cracks me up. Though somewhat less so now that I'VE seen a big bear!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-21T15:28:00.002-04:00


Daddy's Little Helper

Apple Picking!

2011-09-20T21:06:00.002-04:00

This past Sunday Dude, Little Man and I went apple and peach picking at Alstede Farms in Chester, NJ. It was a bit late in the season for peaches (or at least the ones we picked weren't great) and a bit early for many kinds of apples. But we got a nice mix of MacIntosh, Cortland and Honeycrisp apples and had a fun morning outside. The weather was gorgeous! Sunny, low 70s, barely any clouds in the sky. Little Man was in his glory. See!

We took him last year, too. What a difference one year makes. Last September, Little Man wasn't walking yet and he only said Mama and Dada. Now he RUNS and his speech is improving by leaps and bounds. I'm not sure if it's the therapy or his age, but he says new words daily and is starting to combine words (ie. "hat me") and it's just an adventure watching him grow.

Here's last year vs. this year.


2011 — 25 Months Old


2010 — 13 months Old

It's amazing how much he's changed!

First of all, he now has HAIR. Not a lot but you can see it. He also has a lot more teeth (16 vs. 6). And he's lost some of his baby face. But, for the most part (and not necessarily in this photo) he still looks like he did last year. I somewhat miss 1-year-old Little Man. But 2-year-old Little Man is really fun to be around and when he says "My Mama" my heart just melts.

Apple picking (and peach and pumpkin) will become an annual tradition for our family. At least until Little Man can complain.

Oh, Osh Kosh...

2011-09-17T13:42:00.000-04:00

What B'Gosh were you thinking???

Why did you stop carrying size 2T in your stores? I'm told you stopped making it all together but I see it listed online on your size chart. But I don't see it as a choice when buying clothing.

Size             Height           Weight
24 Month    32.5 - 34"       27.5 - 30 lb
2T               34.5 - 37"       24-29 lb (why less than 24 month)
3T               37 - 39.5"       29-33 lb

Please explain your sizing? How does my son (36" tall, 31 lb) wear your clothing? The size 3T is right for weight but he has short legs. So a 2T would be good for length. But since I can't BUY 2T in stores, he gets 3T — which runs very large on him.

It's funny seeing a jump from 34 to 37 inches. What do kids who are 35/36 inches do? Get pants that are at least 2 inches long? I guess so. That's what I had to do when I bought his "Mr. Conductor" overalls this morning.

I still like your product and eventually Little Man will fit into your clothes. But, in the meantime, he'll be wearing super long pants.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-14T13:11:00.002-04:00

How do you deal with depression?

2011-09-11T20:53:00.000-04:00

When it's not your own?

I'm not saying that I don't have days where I'm depressed. Actually, I probably am. But I'm getting by and I have so much I have to deal with that I don't want to think about myself right now. Caring for Little Man, keeping on top of his EI appointments, keeping the house neat-ish, walking the dog, being a good wife... then there's my mother and my brother.

Both of them are clinically depressed. There's a lot to their situations. Too much to get into here. And, since this is a public blog that (maybe) people who actually know me read, it's not my place to say more. But I am very worried about both of them.

I wish life were easier. I wish I could wave a magic wand and erase their pain. Cure Parkinson's. Cure chronic pain. But I can't. And I can't help people who reject my help either through tears or anger.

There are days when mothering a whiny (from possible two-year-molars, I don't know) toddler is the EASY part.

Just when you get used to something

2011-09-09T21:08:00.000-04:00

Your toddler mixes it all up!

Tonight Little Man wanted to watch "Mou" (ie. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse) and not get ready for bed. He climbed up the stairs, ran to my bedroom and made my husband put him in our bed and he pointed at the TV and asked, again, for "Mou."

I've said before that Little Man watches far too much TV. Part of it is laziness on my part. Part of it is because of how overwhelmed I am by everything in my life and it's easier to allow him to watch a few shows so I can get dinner ready, have a cup of coffee or even read a newspaper. But it's become a bit of an addiction when it comes to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

So bedtime tonight was rough. He did NOT want to go to sleep.

Dude got him down and for a few minutes, he was quiet. But eventually there was crying and calling out for Mama (and Dada). Please get me out of bed and take me with you. OK, he didn't say that because his speech isn't that evolved yet. But I knew what he wanted.

So I picked him up and rocked him on the glider. He snuggled in and I rubbed his head. When I stopped, he took my hand and guided it to his head and said "Head." He wanted more. After a few minutes, I said he had to go to bed (it was around 8:45 pm, later than he usually goes to sleep) and he resisted but eventually put his head down. It's been about 15 minutes now and I hope he is sleeping. I don't hear anything, so that's a good sign.

I know he won't always sleep well. Heck, I haven't slept well all week! But you get used to a "good sleeper" and when he's not, it throws you off.

Back to Blogger

2011-09-08T21:31:00.000-04:00

I'm trying something out... I want to see if I prefer Blogger to Wordpress. I like all the ease of connection that Blogger has and the followers and other gadgets. I may not like it. And I'm going to be cross posting for a while. Once I decide, I'll let you know for sure.

The Evolution of Sleep

2011-09-08T08:55:00.000-04:00

One of my very first blog posts, as a parent, was about my "Newborn Vampire" and how he had his days and nights mixed up. That was on my old blog and I've never figured out how to move the posts here. This one started a few months later, and focused a lot on Little Man's helmet journey and my mixed up emotions. Heck, it still focuses on my mixed up emotions!

Anyway, I'm talking about sleep because it's a precious thing. I've driven around for an hour to keep Little Man napping--if he fell asleep in the car. Though I never drove anywhere to get him to fall asleep like some of my mom friends have. Thankfully I never felt that desperate. At the beginning, Little Man was a terrible sleeper--particularly during the day. The only place he'd sleep was ON ME or in his infant carrier. The latter contributed to his brachycephaly.

Somewhere around 3 months of age, he slept through the night (STTN). It was short-lived. And from 3-6 months, his sleep was erratic. Some nights he'd sleep from 10 pm (his initial bedtime) to around 5 am, then take a bottle and go back to sleep for 2 hours. Other nights he'd sleep from 10-2 and then from 3-6 and nap several times during the day. There was a dark period--from 6 to 9 months, where he was just a rotten sleeper. I blame that on teeth (got the first 2 just before/at 6 months and the second 2 around 9 months). Thankfully, at 9 months, he began sleeping on his tummy. Once he did that, STTN was common and no longer infrequent. His bedtime was (and still is) at 8-8:30 and he usually sleeps until 6:30 am. So his average is 10 hours of sleep per night--I wish I could have 8!

Naps, however, took longer to get on track. As I said, initially he'd only sleep in his infant carrier or ON me--until about 5/6 months when he got too heavy, I was fine with him sleeping in my Baby K'tan Carrier. He'd also sleep pretty well in his travel swing (once he had the DOC Band, I didn't worry about that). But he never slept in a Pack-n-Play and that caused some issues, as it was his "nap place" at my office until he was 9 months old.

At that time, my in-laws moved and I got the crib they had for the grandkids. Little Man would sleep there--but only after I had rocked him to sleep and transferred him to the crib. And the naps were short. Both weren't more than 45 minutes most days. And he'd almost always fall asleep in the car, on the way home, for about 20 minutes.

Finally at 11 months of age, I decided that enough was enough! I needed him to nap! So I let him cry it out (CIO) for naps. No Ferber checks. Just crying. The first day he wailed for about 30 minutes but eventually slept (sniffling in his sleep) for close to 2 hours). The second day was worse. But by day 3, he was napping within 10 minutes of being put in his crib. And until last February, when he turned 18 months, he took his first nap at home (at around 9 am, and I'd be at work by 11) and his second nap at the office, at around 1:30 pm. Both naps were about 1-1.5 hours long.

Since he was 18 months old, he's been on a "schedule" of sorts. One nap per day. The nap usually begins at 12:30 after his lunch. He'll sleep anywhere from 1.5 to 3 hours, with 2 being the average until recently. Lately it's been 2.5 to 3 hours. But if he sleeps too long he's crabby. But I think he is happier at night after his 3 hour nap. I know I can get much more done while he's sleeping. And, when I'm home, I'll nap too. My husband doesn't understand--he's not a good napper. But I love naps and will nap whenever I can, especially while Little Man still does.

I'll miss the days of napping when he eventually drops them. I hope it's not for a while. While it does limit my afternoon activities, I like naps.

Caught in the Middle

2011-09-07T17:15:00.000-04:00

When the whole Charlie Sheen meltdown was happening and when the Bronx Zoo Cobra had "escaped," I decided to finally become a twit and join Twitter. I chose the same screen name there as I have here: sweetnjmom. I'd like to think I'm sweet and I am a mom from NJ. I'm not that creative. The reason I mention this is because of my profile there. It says:

I'm a busy mom who is taking care of my toddler son, my hard-working husband, my neurotic dog and my disabled parents and trying to find the time to do it all.

It's pretty true. I'm trying to find a way to do it all.

My dad is technically disabled. He needs his right hip and both knees replaced. I think once that's done, he'll be in pretty good shape for a (soon-to-be) 69-year-old man. But, for now, he uses a walker and a cane and is in excruciating pain from his damaged hip and bum knees.

My mom has Parkinson's Disease and an Orthostatic Tremor. Two separate neurological conditions. She is also extremely depressed. Because this is a public blog, I won't go any further. But she doesn't really care for herself and she doesn't let my father or me help care for her. It's so hard when someone you love is hurting.

Add to the mix taking care of my toddler son and keeping up with his therapies through Early Intervention, I'm feeling very overwhelmed by it all. Little Man is actually progressing quite well and his DI therapist is extremely optimistic about his progress. His speech therapist has only seen him twice, but has also noted his progress. So I'm feeling more positive about everything and I'm seeing a subtle change in his behavior already. He rebounds from tantrums more quickly. They're less intense. Less frequent. And shorter, too.

So I feel like I'm always in the middle and never getting anywhere. And there are other family relationships that are complex and that leave me feeling like I can do no right. Finding a balance between being a mom, daughter, sister, wife and friend is not easy. I really hope there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow or a light at the end of the tunnel. Because I'm feeling like I'm on a never-ending road, or going round and round in circles. I need a break.

Full Throttle

2011-08-23T05:50:00.000-04:00

Today is the day. Little Man's second developmental intervention session and the first full week of therapy. DI is Tuesdays/Thursdays and speech therapy will be on Fridays, but this week it's Wednesday because he's finally having his hearing test this Friday. (Of course he has ANOTHER ear infection... but this time it will be 6 days on antibiotics by then.) His initial session last Tuesday went well, I think. I hope his therapist is able to catch him up. And I'm very much looking forward to the speech sessions starting. Little Man is aching to talk, but he just can't get the words out. I think the shove will propel him and he'll be a chatterbox (like his mama) in no time.

Life is going full throttle as well. As I wrote briefly yesterday, Little Man is now TWO! It's actually the only number he knows. (When he counts, he goes "two... two...") He finally needs a haircut. And it's funny, it's not like he has a full head of hair. Thus far, his hair is actually fine and somewhat sparse. But what hair he DOES have is long and crazy curly. So it's time. I'll miss his baby curls when they're snipped. But he needs that cut. And maybe it will help his hair to grow? I keep hearing that. Any hairdressers read my blog? Please feel free to pipe in.

Since I just linked my blog to Facebook, it's possible some of my friends will start reading this. I guess I tend to overshare and I'm working to make my thoughts more general and not specific. My husband is my opposite--extremely private--and I don't want to betray confidences. But at the same point, I don't think Little Man's speech and developmental delays are anything to hide. Nor do I think my fears should be hidden. There is nothing shameful about a child needing help or possibly having a problem.

Now I still think and hope that Little Man's tantrums and behavior issues are mostly due to his delays. And there are times when he is EXTREMELY good and well behaved for a 2-year-old. And there are times when his behavior is just typical for a toddler. They have fits. They scream if they don't get their way. I also know that most 2-year-olds at this time are saying more than he is and are more advanced socially. But my son mostly has a smile on his face and he is so affectionate. I have a strong belief that by his 3rd birthday, he'll be typical and even more fun to be around.

I love my son so much. I'd do basically anything for him. I realize that I've done TOO much FOR him--instead of pushing him to do things--and I'm working to correct that. I don't want my only to be a spoiled brat. I want him to share (whenever toddlers figure that one out) and play with other children. I want him to make friends and NOT be a "lonely only" and I want him to be happy. Childhood is so brief and I want him to enjoy it, without any obstacles. So catching things "early" is a good thing.

Year Three Begins (aka Little Man is Two)

2011-08-22T17:52:00.000-04:00

I had typed up my blog earlier tonight but the draft failed to autosave as the new version of Firefox crashed. So I'm keeping it short.

Little Man turned 2 on August 14th.

His stats were:

30.2 lb (80th percentile for weight)

36 inches (90th percentile for height)

19 inches for his head circumference, but I never asked about the percentile. He was at 50 consistently, so I'd guess somewhere in that ballpark. It was also the last time head circumference is measured at a well child appointment.

In other news, we finally had professional photos taken. Most were of Little Man, but we got a family pic, too.

And I think it's about time for Little Man to get a haircut!

More to come soon!

Year Three Begins (aka Little Man is Two)

2011-08-22T17:38:00.000-04:00

I need to be more consistent with this blog. In the nearly two years since I started it, I've only posted sporadically. There are times when I think I should have hosted my blog on Blogger (and if I could figure out how to export it, I might consider returning there) because it's linked to Google and more easily found. But this blog isn't necessarily for readers but is more of an online journal.

Tonight I'm tired so I'm keeping it short.

Little Man is Two. His birthday was August 14th. I can't believe how FAST the first two years have gone.

Here are the stats.

Height: 36 inches (90th percentile)

Weight: 30.2 pounds (80th percentile)

Head Circumference: 19 inches (50th percentile, I think)

One year ago, he was 25.5 lb and 31.25 inches—so he's gained almost 5 pounds and grew 4.75 inches. It's interesting how it slows down. I'm told that the difference between 2 and 3 is more subtle. I guess I'll find out over the next 12 months.

In other news: we finally got family photos taken.

EI Update and First Ear Infection

2011-08-05T10:27:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday I was supposed to drop Little Man off at his school in the morning and then come back home to have my IFSP meeting with Early Intervention. But when he woke up, he felt quite hot to the touch and I took his fever with an ear thermometer and it was 100.7 and he seemed somewhat clingy, so I kept him home. I still had the meeting (in the kitchen, while Little Man watched classic Disney cartoons on the DVD player in the family room) and the plan is set for him to have speech therapy once a week and work with a developmental interventionist (generally a special ed teacher) twice a week--that's 3 hours total per week. We set simple goals (6 month) of speaking in 2 word purposeful sentences, saying his own name, responding to his name and following adult-led play for 10 minutes. I also want him to be less "dependent" on his Donald Duck toy. I guess more on this once the therapies start, by the end of August.

When the EI team left, I planned to give Little Man lunch and put him down for his nap. He just seemed not hungry, though he ate a little, and felt MUCH warmer. So I took his temperature and it was 101.7! This might not seem like a lot to those moms whose little ones have had fevers. But this, honestly, was his first one over 101. I managed to get some children's Tylenol in him (Dude had picked some up, since we wanted to have it handy) and he napped, badly, for short periods of time. Maybe two 20 minute stretches. When he woke he was VERY clingy and we just watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the DVR. I managed to take him out with me, for a short trip, to Rite Aid to get him Children's Ibuprofen. Since his fever was still 101.5, I gave him Tylenol at 4 pm and then Motrin before bedtime.

The next day, Friday July 29th, he woke up feeling cool to the touch. But I took his temp again, in the ear, and he fought me like crazy. (Should have been a hint.) He was normal, but he was acting strangely. He kept crying and screaming and saying "Boo boo! Boo boo!" By 9:30 am he was spent, and I put him down for an early nap. I planned to sleep, too, as I'd had little sleep the night before, listening to Little Man crying in HIS sleep. But I called the pediatrician before I conked out and scheduled an appointment for 12:15, as his behavior was quite odd and I knew something was off. We both napped and when he woke I gave him an early lunch (not that he ate much, but I managed to get some yogurt and blueberries into him) and we headed to the doctor.

Of course at the doctor's office, he was running around like crazy and giggling. It was like nothing was wrong. So I thought I'd taken him there for nothing. And after a HUGE fit when the nurse tried to get his oxygen levels (first on his finger, then on his foot) and a broken baby scale (we used the "big" one and he was 31.8 lb), we were finally seen by our favorite pediatrician in the group. He checked Little Man out, listened to his chest, looked in his throat (no 2 year molars yet), left ear... right ear... YEP. He had an ear infection! That happened to be MY first illness (at age 3). So he's copying his mama and earlier. Makes sense that he gets sick once he starts daycare/preschool, right?

We head home to get the prescribed Amoxicillin (pedi called it in) with a brief stop at my office (was there too long, but I had no choice) and I managed to "force-feed" him the bubblegum pink medication close to 4 pm. I thought he'd take a late nap, but nope. I think the flavors in the antibiotics are all sugar because he was so hyper after that first dose and I felt like a limp noodle. The second dose was easier but not by much. And Dude's train was VERY late so he was in a pissy mood and got home late. He didn't even want to see Little Man, which made me upset, since he wanted his daddy. But I put him to bed (around 8:15 or so) by myself and he slept mostly OK.

Now to add insult to injury, *I* came down with Bronchitis this week! So both of us are on antibiotics. Me, a Z-pack, since we're 90% sure I'm allergic to Penicillin. And with a switch in our health insurance, I had to pay out of pocket and am canceling other appointments this week. But that's for another vent.

In less than 10 days now, Little Man will turn 2. Time goes so fast. I'm grateful it took 23 months for him to get sick the first time. And he's doing pretty well now (day 8 of antibiotics) and did much better in school this week. I, however, am EXHAUSTED.

A Typical Toddler?

2011-07-25T06:19:00.000-04:00

This has been weighing on me for some weeks and is a big part of why I haven't been blogging again, like I said I would. What is a "typical toddler?" Does your almost-2-year old listen at all? Do they participate in circle time at The Little Gym, Gymboree or your local library program or Y? When you call their name, do they turn their head to look at you? Can they speak in sentences, even if only two words. Do they say something to get your attention or do they point and grunt?

My toddler doesn't usually turn to look at me when I call his name. Though I'm pretty sure he can hear (and am having a hearing test on Friday to confirm that). My toddler says many individual words in response to something--like if Dora says "Who do you ask when you need to know where to go?" and he'll say "Map!" Or he'll point out the hippo as the mouseketool in the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse cartoon. But he won't TALK to me.

And the tantrums. He'll flip out if he A) Can't do something he wants to do, B) Doesn't want to do something, C) Is unable to do something (like put a square peg in a round hole) and D) if overtired or hungry. D doesn't worry me so much. But A-C do. And the lack of speech. And the NOT participating at ALL (or barely) in his Little Gym class. So on June 21, 2011, I called New Jersey Early Intervention. They took a lot of information over the phone and an intake coordinator called me and after our phone conversation, scheduled a free evaluation. That was on July 13th. Little Man qualified.

The two evaluators, a speech therapist and an occupational therapist, found that Little Man has delays in 1) Communication, Speech & Language (which I expected), 2) Social/Emotional Development and 3) Cognitive ability. I had my first meeting with EI last week to go over the plan in general and my cost participation, as it has not been free in over 7 years and there is a copay based on annual salary. My next meeting is to set up my IFSP (individualized family service plan) and set up what type of therapies Little Man will receive. Once I've signed off on the plan, services begin within 30 days. So by the end of August.

So since then a lot of thoughts have been going through my head. Are there JUST developmental delays going on or is something else wrong? Little Man has, in my opinion, some red flags for Autism Spectrum Disorders. Though it could be typical toddler behavior. Maybe? I'm no longer sure of "typical." I've bolded the ones I'm worried about.

The child does not respond to his/her name.

The child cannot explain what he/she wants.

Language skills or speech are delayed.

The child doesn't follow directions.

At times, the child seems to be deaf.

The child seems to hear sometimes, but not others.

The child doesn't point or wave bye-bye.

The child used to say a few words or babble, but now he/she doesn't.

The child throws intense or violent tantrums.

The child has odd movement patterns.

The child is hyperactive, uncooperative, or oppositional.

The child doesn't know how to play with toys.

The child doesn't smile when smiled at.

The child has poor eye contact.

The child gets "stuck" on things over and over and can't move on to other things.

The child seems to prefer to play alone.

The child gets things for him/herself only.

The child is very independent for his/her age.

The child does things "early" compared to other children.

The child seems to be in his/her "own world."

The child seems to tune people out.

The child is not interested in other children.

The child walks on his/her toes.

The child shows unusual attachments to toys, objects, or schedules (i.e., always holding a string or having to put socks on before pants.)

Child spends a lot of time lining things up or putting things in a certain order.

Little Man does line things up, but I wouldn't say a LOT of time. But there are a few things that worry me. I'm on a wait list with a developmental pediatrician to evaluate him fully--not just for ASD but for his development in general. Though I'm hopeful that some of the behaviors are just toddler quirks or due to his delays.

Honestly, I am becoming bitter about how "typical" (because I won't say normal) others' toddlers are. I have lots of mom friends from the internet and I love their cyber friendship and counsel. But when I see how well they are doing. Talking. Interacting well with others. Even singing songs. I feel like I've failed. I feel so worried that my son will not go ahead in life. And he's not even 2!

Little Man is still SO affectionate--even though he won't give kisses. He likes to snuggle. He likes to play with me and his father. He loves seeing his cousins. He mostly always has a smile on his face. But he's not adjusting well to new situations (ie. daycare, that I started him in 3 times a week for a few hours) and the tantrums are getting worse, probably due to that.

I know I need to get over myself. There are children with REAL special needs and this could be NOTHING but a minor glitch. But I seem to obsess over things (always have) and it's hard to get past this.

Little Man is my only child and I want the best for him. And I want him to be typical. Once he's there, then I'll look towards exceptional.

Sh!t Happens!

2011-07-05T10:07:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was July 4th and we have a friend who is a volunteer firefighter. So Dude and I took Little Man to take a ride in a fire truck. They sat in the front seat (I was in the cab) and they had a fantastic time. Dude mostly. Men are just big boys, right? But I'm glad they had fun and it was a nice way to celebrate the 4th. Here is Little Man wearing his new fireman's hat!

So after we left, around 11 am, Little Man fell asleep in the car! We didn't expect that, and Dude needed new sneakers so we were headed to the Reebok outlet nearby. So I stayed in the car with our son as my husband shopped for shoes. After about 35 minutes (including the time to the store), Little Man woke up. So we decided to have lunch at Panera before heading home. We had yogurt for the kiddo and we got stuff there.

After our meal, Dude was in the men's room and Little Man turned bright red and started grunting. I knew EXACTLY what was happening. Oy vey! He then started screaming in pain. So I got him out of the high chair and he finished pooping--or so I thought--on my lap. Dude came back from the bathroom and I let him know that I had to change the boy. So off I went, hoping for little or no struggle.

WARNING: GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF A MESSY DIAPER CHANGE AHEAD.

AGAIN, I WARNED YOU.

OK, HERE WE GO.

In the bathroom, the changing table was in the handicapped stall. I got Little Man situated, putting a disposable pad under him, and I pulled off his shorts (left his shoes on) and opened the diaper to one of the biggest poops I've seen! He hadn't pooped since Saturday, so I guess it was 2 days worth. It filled the diaper and was still coming out of his tush. As I pulled the diaper back, more poop came out. I managed to wipe a lot away but still saw some poop just hanging there. Like half in/half out of his tush.

I had to pull away the dirty diaper, because he began kicking and put his shoe IN some poop. Ack! Got more wipes and put the dirty diaper and used wipes in a plastic bag (for used diapers, Munchkin brand). They he PEES all over himself and his clothing. Starts SCREAMING!

So I'm trying to wipe him off and he then shits all over the table.

There is crap everywhere. I had to wipe it off the table and him--and ME, since it was on my hands! Then a wipe, with poop on it, fell on the floor!!! Ack!

I'm not sure how I managed to get a clean diaper on him and bag his dirty clothes in another scented sack and also get most of the poop and his diaper in another. But I did. And I tossed the refuse in a trash bin and tried to wash my hands, while my screaming toddler was attached to my hip. Then I walked out, with my son only wearing a diaper and shoes, to tell the staff at Panera that they have a problem in their handicapped stall (ie. poop all over the changing station and the floor.) The woman doesn't seem to understand, but I couldn't linger and walked through the restaurant to where Dude was waiting.

"Take him!" is all I manage to say at first.

Then I shared with him, what I've just shared with you. Dude helps me dress him in his "emergency outfit" and Little Man settles down and actually eats a bit more. I guess he had room, finally.

I use hand sanitizer to make up for whatever I missed during my futile attempt at washing my hands. And then I have to pee. I am mortified and don't want to go back to the bathroom. But I do. And when I'm done--and have noticed the poop is still all over that stall--I let the manager know what happened. Soooo embarrassed as I say it. But they're nice and say they'll take care of it.

We leave quickly.

So I'm not sure we'll ever be welcome in the Panera on Route 202 in Flemington, NJ. Hopefully the other locations don't know of my reputation. Mom of the killer pooper.

Oh well, shit happens.

All over the place.

Yuck.

My Dog

2011-06-23T17:33:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting on the sofa, next to my husband and my sleeping dog and I think how much I love them both. And it's funny how I am not really discriminating. Casey is a dog. But he is MY dog and my first "baby." He's very annoying at times. Ever since I had Little Man, he's been needy—even when I pay attention to him—and he's acted out by stealing food and barking. But I adore him and lately, watching him slow down, I realize how much my heart will ache when he is no longer with me.

Hopefully he'll be around for a few more years. I'd like Little Man to have memories of him. Heck, I'd like Little Man to call him Casey and not just "Da Daw" (the dog). But I do worry how it will affect him. My friend's daughter still feels the effect of losing her dog at a similar age (almost 3) and she is 5-1/2. And I know I should get these thoughts out of my head since he IS healthy. But I guess I realize that I've had him for nearly 11 years now and he's almost 12 years old.

I hate that I snap at my dog. He's a DOG. He doesn't know how annoying he can be when he's underfoot or barking up a storm or nudging me for food. I guess it's because I'm under a lot of stress from caring for Little Man, trying to be a good wife and help out my parents. I lash out at the one being who TRULY loves me unconditionally.

I'm a dog person. One day I'll have another dog—because I can't count my brother's dogs (formerly my in-laws' dogs)—that is MINE (and I guess my husband's too) but for now Casey is my only furchild and I adore him. I loved my husband's late dog, who died when I was newly pregnant, and my heart broke for him when she died at the age of 15 (with him for the last 10 years). But for now I have to figure out how to just be calmer around mine since I do adore him. He is such a sweet, fun dog—even if he IS neurotic.

He is.

But that's another story.

Tech-Savvy Toddlers

2011-06-07T13:12:00.000-04:00

I know my kid isn't the only one. I have several friends, both online and in person, who comment how their 2-year-old (or older/younger) is flipping through apps on their iPhone or iPad. Obviously it's common or why else would all these developers make apps for toddlers? But it's also kind of crazy how tech-savvy today's toddlers are.

Little Man doesn't really say much but he does know "on" and "off" and can name basically every character in The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Dora the Explorer cartoons. He says map and bappap (backpack) and Mou and MeeMee and Dasiy and Duck Duck. I've mentioned that I allow him to watch TV and have admitted that I feel I let him watch too much. But it keeps him busy while he's at work with me (my not-so-ideal situation) and it cannot be helped right now.

I actually made my iPod Touch toddler friendly. Basically Little Man has free reign with it. Though if there is no Wi-Fi available, he gets mad when he can't get his apps to work. I've created a monster!

I guess that's it for now. I'm trying to get back into the groove of blogging. I like writing and maybe one day I'll be more attentive to this site. I've considered returning to another blog site (with nice follower links) but then I'd have to figure out how to move this one. Not gonna happen anytime soon.

Making Vegetables Palatable?

2011-06-05T09:56:00.000-04:00

I fully admit that I'm slacking on the veggie front. Little Man only eats peas. Frozen peas. Not fresh because I'm a lazy ass who hasn't bought fresh vegetables for my son. He used to eat vegetable purees and LOVED sweet potatoes. But since he started self-feeding, he has eschewed all vegetables for unhealthy alternatives like potato chips and french fries.

I know it's my fault for not offering him better meal choices and I want to change that. But how? And with what? How do I introduce new foods to my nearly-two-year-old? How do I undo what I have done? Will he ever eat well?

And don't even get me started on milk. He LOVED milk when he first tried it and when it was in a bottle. But when we cold-turkeyed the bottle for sippy cups he refused to drink milk in it. I feel badly that he won't drink it. And it's not that he doesn't like the taste. I think it's the consistency. I'm going to have to try flavoring it again. I really want him to drink something besides water. Not that he needs the empty calories of juice, but it would be nice if he'd try it.

Since he's growing and thriving, I shouldn't worry TOO much. I know of children who survived on pasta with butter for years and he eats better than that. Little Man likes chicken. Loves potato. Loves macaroni & cheese. But my goal is to expand his diet. I just need to come up with a menu and purchase the foods.

Joy

2011-06-03T10:42:00.000-04:00

Joy is seeing your child's face light up when he sees you.

Joy is hearing him say "Mama, ___" when he wants to share something with you.

Joy is the cuddles you get from your loving son.

Joy is knowing you are doing SOMETHING right in your life.

Joy is watching your little one discover how something works.

This is me and my pride and joy!

What a month!

2011-05-20T11:07:00.000-04:00

In the last month, I've had a lot of time to reflect on things. My father had surgery to close an abdominal abscess from a hernia surgery back in 2003. This abscess was infected with MRSA (now resolved) and the surgery was complex. My father is currently recuperating at home. It's pretty intense. The visiting nurse service is coming 3x per week as is a physical therapist. Though he has the go-ahead to get back to most normal activities, he cannot come back to work for another 3 weeks--though he may stop by to supervise (as it is his company). And my mother's Parkinson's Disease has also worsened. The day after my father's surgery, I took her to her specialist in NYC. The visit was good and bad. Good in that I have a better understanding of what's going on. Bad in that I'm not entirely sure my mother is completely lucid all the time.

So a lot of stress for me as most of this falls on my shoulders. My brother, who lives in the family home, is not able to help me. His business is not to share here, but I can say that I'm alone in this. And my husband has a long, stressful commute to his job in NYC and when he is home, things still fall on me. Add taking care of a chronically cranky toddler (maybe not chronically, but definitely often), I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Therefore I let a lot of my worries about Little Man's speech go for now. He is now 21 months old and he still doesn't say that much, but I have noticed an increase over the last week. I'm hoping that over the next 2.5 months I see a major language explosion so I can go to his 2 year well visit in August confident that he is progressing as he should. But if he is not, my focus WILL shift back to my son's speech and I will get him any and all aid he needs.

I'm still hoping he'll just suddenly say to me "Mama, yogurt please!" or "Dada, more berries." We'll see.

Little Man is my joy. He really is. Even when I complain about the tantrums (the ones for no apparent reason are the worst) and how hard it is to change his diaper sometimes, he makes my life complete. Not so long ago, really, I thought I'd never get married or have a child. I'm glad things turned out as they did. And even though once upon a time I thought I'd have two children--a boy and a girl--I am content with just my boy and hope that one day, he will marry a fantastic woman who will, in some way, become a daughter to me.

Speech Worries

2011-04-20T11:05:00.000-04:00

Dude is worried about Little Man's speech. He is very concerned that it is not at the level where a 20-month-old should be. I'm not really sure if I should be worried or not. He says words--about 10 to 15 with consistency--but he's not speaking in sentences and the only "new" word of late is rock.

I keep wondering at what point do you call Early Intervention? My pediatrician's office is great and I am going to speak with the doctor to discuss this before "jumping the gun" or panicking. And you keep being told, as a mother, not to compare your child to others. But I don't see how you CAN'T compare. I take Little Man to The Little Gym on Sunday mornings and while he IS the youngest in his class (Beasts: 19 months - 2-1/2 years), it seems at times that he's the only child NOT participating in the "circle" time and he's too busy exploring. But then he DOES come and run with the group and he climbed right onto the parachute last week, so he's improving. Maybe he just needs time.

I think Dude worries too much sometimes. And I think HE thinks I'm too Laissez Faire about milestones. I don't think I am. Usually I'M considered to be the frantic one. But I keep thinking that Little Man is progressing as he should. He's a toddler. He's still a baby in many ways. And he may just need time to get there. Right?

Heck, Little Man didn't walk until the day before 15 months. That wasn't a delay, but it was later than some children. (Though Dude didn't walk until 18 months and I was 17 months.) And I was told by my MIL that Dude didn't talk until he was 2. Neither did my brother. Nor my one cousin. So 20 months and only saying a handful of words isn't TOO odd.

I know that Little Man understands a LOT and hopefully he'll ease our fears shortly. I guess I can't help but worry a little, he's my first child. My only child. I want him to be where he should be. Not "perfect" but at the right level.

Assumptions

2011-04-14T06:54:00.000-04:00

My blog post yesterday about the woman who drove her car into the Hudson River was written prior to more information about this tragedy. Here's an updated article about it (as of April 14th at 10:30 am).

I made assumptions about this woman without knowing the full story. Though my initial reaction of horror remains. Because I cannot imagine murdering my children, no matter how distraught I may be. But I am lucky in having the support of a loving family. I know that, if I ever needed them, they'd be there for me. My aunts and uncles, too, even though my relationship with them has been damaged due to my brother's interactions with them. They love me, but because I live with my brother, I don't see or speak to them as often as I would had had I not moved in with my family.

People make assumptions all the time. About how well off one may be. About others' lives. And there is that saying about making assumptions: Never assume, for it makes an ASS out of U and ME.

I'm going to try to teach Little Man to make decisions based on fact. Or, at the very least, to be willing to let his mind be changed. But I want him to be true to himself as well. Teaching him to be able to find a balance will be my true job as a parent.

So those are my thoughts today. And I also still tend to track monthly milestones as today Little Man is 20 months old. In just 4 more months, he'll turn 2. And over the next 30 days I plan to keep an eye (or ear) on his speech. His pediatrician said if he wasn't speaking in 2 word sentences by 21 months to make an appointment to discuss his speech. I don't want to ASSUME he'll need Early Intervention, but I also don't want to dismiss it. Hopefully he's on track and will catch up. I guess we'll see.

Mothers Who Kill

2011-04-13T07:12:00.000-04:00

After years of longing to be a mother--thinking I'd never get married or have that child I'd always dreamed of--I cannot even fathom harming a hair on his head. Of course there are moments when Little Man's extreme tantrums drive me to yell at him and feel quite frustrated. But when I have those moments of human frailty, I will safely deposit Little Man in his crib and walk away for a moment to catch my breath. And if I yell at him, I apologize for losing my temper. But to even consider harming him... it makes me sick.

Today I read about a New York State woman who drowned 3 of her 4 children, only sparing her 10-year-old son. The story link is here: New York Mother Drives Minivan Into Hudson River, Killing 3 Kids and Self I cannot understand being so depressed (which is my assumption, PPD) that the only solution a woman finds is to drown herself and her children. I understand suicidal thoughts but not murderous ones--especially when at one's own children. But my bout of the baby blues was relatively mild, once I'd decided to formula feed. And I was worried about Postpartum Depression, because I've battled depression in the past.

But I think there must be something more to this. Why drowning? Is it biblical in a manner that I cannot understand, as my faith is different? Several women have done this. Susan Smith. Andrea Yates. Even last year, there was a woman who did this (I'd have to Google to find out who/where). Now this NY woman. I cannot even imagine how her surviving son feels right now. My heart breaks for him.

So today I will spend my time with Little Man reminding myself how lucky I am to have him. I always knew that if I only had one child, I would have a son. And I do have this AMAZING son and I am so grateful for him and would do whatever I could to protect him--even from myself. Thankfully I never had to worry about that. Sadly there are children who do.

Yes, I let my toddler watch TV

2011-03-31T10:06:00.000-04:00

Probably TOO much TV. But there you go. Sesame Street and the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse allows me to have coffee and eat breakfast. Or at the very least try to eat breakfast since Little Man has decided he wants to have my cereal, from my bowl, in the morning. That habit actually stopped me from having Peanut Butter Captain Crunch today (yes, I eat like a kid) because Little Man hasn't had peanuts yet. But the TV often distracts him enough for me to eat, or empty and reload the dishwasher, or throw a load of laundry in the wash.

That being said, I don't want him to watch TOO much TV and am working to change this habit (if it isn't too late to do so) by spending a LOT of time with him, playing in his bedroom. And as the weather gets nicer, he will be OUTSIDE as much as possible during his waking hours--when I'm not at the office. Since he's still coming to work with me (hoping to do 2 days in daycare starting in June), I don't have as much opportunity to take him outside. But I did manage on St. Patrick's Day when the weather was hovering around 70 degrees.

Here's a photo of him from that day.

Cute, huh?

Seriously, he does watch too much TV but at least it's age appropriate. The aforementioned Sesame Street, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Jake & the Neverland Pirates (because it's on), Dora, Diego, The Wonder Pets, The Fresh Beat Band and, on occasion, Yo Gabba Gabba, Special Agent Oso and (my favorite) Jack's Big Music Show.

Little Man will reply to questions that are asked by Dora or Diego--usually with a "NO!" Or he'll say "Bap Pap" and "Map" if Dora asks her audience who do you ask when ___? So I guess he is learning. He even says "tip toe" thanks to the Hic Boom Oh episode.

So I guess there are worse things he could be doing, right?

But I DO need to cut back. I don't want him to become a couch potato.

Mister Personality and Miscellany

2011-03-05T12:33:00.000-05:00

I noticed that I tend to blog about the less appealing aspects of motherhood. The sleepless nights. Hefting a nearly 28 lb toddler around. The temper tantrums. The nap strikes. And I guess I write about that because I need a place to vent about this. But, overall, my son is an absolutely amazing little boy who has a fantastic, sunny personality. Dude and I called him Sunshine when he was an infant because his sunny smile lit up rooms. His nature is cheerful, overall. Even when he's cranky, he can be FUN!

This picture, I think, captures Little Man's personality.

He has such a joyous energy about him. Recently a post on The Bump discussed describing your little one in one word. I chose "Charmer." I think it suits him. The response he gets from people is amazing. Even from just photos online. I have many people I consider to be friends, of sorts, from meeting them on various message boards. I've reconnected on Facebook with some—along with friends from college and high school (or even elementary school). I find it nice, actually. Even though I thought I would NOT want to be in touch with anyone, considering how much I hated school overall (due to the bullying). Yet I'm glad to be in touch with everyone that I am and I actually wish I could spend time with my friends in person. But that's for another blog altogether, I think.

Right now, Little Man is actually napping. He went out with us on errands—buying a new sofa for our "family" room (small TV room next to our kitchen) and getting a birthday present for our oldest niece, Miss M. And, as an aside, it's not easy buying for a six-going-on-sixteen-year-old. So we ended up getting her a gift card per my sister-in-law's suggestion. I hope Miss M isn't insulted by the lack of actual present.

Again, Little Man is napping. He slept from around 8:15 pm to 6 am (he almost always wakes by 6:30). Then he napped early (9:15 to 10:30). I took him for a long ride around the block in his Little Tikes car. He was SO happy because he adores being outdoors. Then after lunch, we bought the sofa (because the dogs keep peeing on the current one) and did our Toys R Us run. Then Costco to get food for dinner. And basically the minute his head hit the crib (no pillow yet), he was fast asleep—that was at 3:40 pm. It's almost 4:30 as I type and hopefully he'll manage an hour and will be cheerful for the rest of the day. It seems that Little Man gets crankier when he hasn't napped well. Though I also think it's due to his inability to run around as much as he'd like.

Tomorrow we'll see Dude's side of the family. All seven cousins will be together. I'm curious to see how Little Man does, since he doesn't really interact with other children. And I'm actually taking him to The Little Gym for a free introductory class tomorrow. If he likes it, I'll sign him up for the rest of the session. I hope he does.

Until next time...
SweetNJMom signing off

Two Weeks Late... but 18 Month Stats!

2011-02-28T11:38:00.000-05:00

Once again, I failed miserably at updating this blog. I don't know how other mom bloggers do it--especially if they also work. I spend most of my time with Little Man and trying to make our house a home (it is... it's just completely disorganized). So I have completely forgotten about blogging and mostly spend time on Facebook. Though I occasionally Tweet on Twitter. But I digress. Stats.

Height: 34 inches
Weight: 27 lb 9 oz
75th percentile for both.

So Little Man is doing well. He's talking more and more--though I don't always understand him. Our pediatrician is pretty laid back and answered all my questions. I'll keep an eye on his speech and if Little Man is NOT speaking in sentences by 21 months, I'll call for an appointment. Otherwise he doesn't go back until he's two. That's surreal. After the last 18 months of going either monthly or every 3 months, we have a 6 month gap. Then, I think, a YEAR'S gap between visits. My baby is such a BOY now.

See?

The photo was taken on January 31st after a snowstorm. Recent enough, I think. Little Man hasn't really changed over the last month. And I ended up taking most of my recent pics on my iPhone. (LOVE it by the way.) I need to get back to documenting things with the little Cannon ELPH I have.

Other stats to share...

Diaper Size: 5!!!!! I can't believe how big he is!
Shoe Size: 6 wide (and he needs more shoes, all the donated ones from family are regular width)
Clothing Size: 24 Month (though he has a short torso and many pants are too long)
Tooth Count: 15 with #16 budding and nearly out (the last pesky canine)
Hair Color: Dark Blond
Eye Color: Hazel (Green if he wears green)

And he can count to two. LOL. Uhn. Do!

I guess that's it for today. Until later...

Challenge Fail

2011-02-11T12:52:00.000-05:00

Been too busy to blog and I've failed my personal challenge. C'est la vie.

In other news, Little Man now has 14 teeth and will turn 18 months old on Monday. I'll blog after his well visit with updated stats on Tuesday. And my new personal challenge will be to blog at least once per week.

We'll see how I do.

Oh, and I joined Twitter. Why, I'm not sure. Same user name. @sweetnjmom (I think you use the @ but I'm a Twitter newbie and now need to read up on this).

The Torture that is Teething

2011-02-04T09:59:00.000-05:00

A lot of my mom friends (see mom blogs link on the right side) will confirm what I'm about to write: TEETHING BITES!

Of course there must be some babies/toddlers who aren't bothered by a new tooth about to sprout. And I'm happy for their parents and caregivers. Because they are lucky. My son, however, IS bothered by new teeth and right now he is cutting FIVE at once!

Yes, you read that correctly. Five. All four canines (3 are almost out) and his last First Year molar (the bottom left). He has 11 teeth fully out--soon to be 16 and then, hopefully, a break in this madness until his Second Year molars show up. I really hope they wait until he turns 2, six months from now, because it would be nice.

Little Man is, overall, a happy fellow. He almost always has a smile on his face and a hello (or Hola!) to everyone. He waves and chatters. He likes to "share" his toys with you. But he's stubborn and if he doesn't get what he wants, he can throw a MAJOR tantrum. He throws his body on the floor and cries and kicks and squirms his little body like a worm and can occasionally (on purpose!) bang his head on the floor or a wall. I hate that part. Headbanging should only be done at a metal concert.

So the last few weeks have been interesting. We moved on January 19th. He adjusted pretty well, but the drooly, chompy, bitey phase has been rough. He even bites his clothing to alleviate the pain. But when you try to give him Ibuprofen or Acetaminophen ... well, you need two people to force that down his throat. Little Man is STRONG! And he has a rash on his cheeks from the drool and the cold. I try to put Boudreaux's Baby Kisses on it as frequently as possible, but with 3 dogs (mine and my brother's two) you get a lot of dog hair and it's not fun to have fur stuck to one's gooped-up face.

Hopefully these teeth will poke out soon. I see the tips of two of the canines (upper) and that last molar is being stubborn, but it's slowly emerging. The light is at the end of the tunnel--for now.

Blog Fail!

2011-02-03T06:06:00.000-05:00

Remember my goal?

I didn't.

No post yesterday. No post on Tuesday. Here it is, February 3rd, and I'm only now typing away on my MacBook. Yep, I failed on my own challenge. Now the question is: Do I start fresh from today?

We'll see... I can't think of much to say today. I'm tired. Little Man is cutting his last molar and his canines. And I'm waiting for the cable company to arrive with my replacement DVR since the old one SUCKED and wasn't recording my shows. They have 50 minutes to show up within their "window" of 8 - 11 am. I'm not holding my breath. And they'll probably show up JUST as Little Man falls asleep.

Last day of January resolution!

2011-01-31T10:19:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is February 1st. It's the shortest month of the year, so perhaps I can use that to my blogging advantage. I'm going to TRY to blog every day in February. My blogs may only contain a photo or even a brief thought, but I hope to get back on the blogwagon again. Little Man will turn 18 months on Valentine's Day, so it's a milestone month. We'll see how I do.

Wha Dat?

2011-01-01T19:02:00.000-05:00

No? Yes, snow.

NO!!!

And mama is showing off her Photoshop fun, too.

Hot Dog!

2010-12-29T05:23:00.000-05:00

Little Man is a dancing (and singing) fool!

And Little Man's mama has been a major slacker with this blog. I'll have to give an update later today or tomorrow on all the happenings in my life. Lots going on... this mom is glad the year is almost done!

Two Years Ago, on Black Friday...

2010-11-30T09:32:00.000-05:00

I found out I was pregnant. Time sure does fly. Now I have an amazing 15-month-old son who is the light of my life. Then, just a week later, Dude's beloved Cavalier King Charles Spaniel died--on my mom and brother's birthday. What a roller coaster of emotion that time was. Here we were, overjoyed to be expecting our first child, and a beloved pet dies. Even though she was 15, it was hard. And we didn't want to say anything to our families that early (at only 4 weeks along) so we waited until I was 8 weeks. A bit early, but I felt that if anything happened I'd want my family to know. So why not share?

Last year, on Black Friday, I slept as much as possible because Dude was home with me to share the burden of caring for a 3-month-old who still wasn't sleeping through the night (and that took time). I didn't go out, that I recall. I just remember being TIRED. Actually, I'm pretty tired today. But my sleep issues have nothing to do with Little Man.

So this past Friday, we actually WENT OUT. We stopped by my parents' house. We ran some errands. And when Little Man fell asleep in the car on the way home, we spontaneously decided to head to the outlets that were about a 30 minute drive--so he'd sleep longer--and if it was too busy, we'd head back. But by 4:30 pm, the crowds must have slowed down a bit. So we hit up Carter's and Stride Rite and got a few basics for the boy. His first pair of real sneakers (which he likes better than the leather shoes we got him) and a few pairs of pants and shirts in 24 month size. They're a bit big, but the 18 month stuff is a bit tight. He's right in the middle... almost out of one and almost in the other. But spending the little money we have on our son is worth it. Plus he needs clothes, right?

Maybe next year, on Black Friday, this mom can buy herself something nice. Here's to a better year ahead and perhaps a better economy and better jobs for my entire family.

15 Months and...

2010-11-19T04:31:00.000-05:00

Little Man is WALKING!!!!

They day before he turned 15 months, last Saturday, he just up and walked at my in-laws' apartment. We were there for my 3-year-old niece's birthday party and he started walking about an hour before they arrived. I was so excited. My baby was walking! Of course Dude's brother was a "Debbie Downer" and was like oh don't get excited because it's more work. I didn't know him when their oldest child started walking but I want to ask someone if he was excited. But he doesn't seem the gushy type to me. Oh well, not everyone can be exuberant, right?

Here's video from the Monday after Little Man started walking, taken at my office.

On Tuesday, Little Man had his 15 month well visit and it went quite... well. lol

Weight: 26 lb 9 oz (75th percentile, down from 90th)

Height: 32.5 inches (90th percentile)

Little Man is meeting all his milestones and is, thankfully, healthy. He does still have a bit of that umbilical hernia, but our pediatrician told Dude and I that some children have this until age 4 and not to worry. We only asked because his belly button is an odd looking outie and we weren't sure if it was just an outie or something else. And I have to say that we were glad to say he was walking. Both of us were a bit concerned that he wasn't just days before even though we knew that we were late walkers ourselves.

I don't know why we get stuck on "milestones" but I think parents inevitably do. I like Babycenter's chart the best. Little Man is ahead on some, on time with others and behind on a few. So that means he's probably average overall with development and that's fine with me. Though his word count is far ahead of what they think a 15-month-old should say. He's up to almost 40!

Here's the updated list. I may have forgotten a few, so it could be more (also a favorite word of his).

Mama

Dada

Nana (for both my MIL and my coworker, Ana)

Da Daw (the dog)

Moo (cow)

Baa (sheep)

Dibbit (ribbit for frog)

Down

Dis (This)

Dat (That)

Ah Dun (all done)

Mahr (more)

Duck Duck (ducks)

Donnuh Duck (Donald Duck)

Lala (Elmo)

Hola

Agua

Baba (bottle)

Na Nok (he bangs on doors and says knock knock)

Hello

Nap Nap (why twice, I don't know, but that's for nap)

Bir (Bird)

25. Uh-oh

Kuh (cup)

Snack (sounds more like sna)

Key (Mickey Mouse or Cookie Monster)

Ma-la-lay (Marmalade, one of my brother's dogs)

Buh (Book)

Puh (Puffs)

Mill (Milk)

Meema (the name for my MIL's sister)

Papa (for my FIL)

Bubba (Other babies)

Mew (for cats, meowing)

Door

Wubba Wubba (Does that count? It's for Grover!)

Other stats:

Eye Color: Hazel. They turn greenish gray when he wears green and a brownish gray at other times.

Hair: He's getting more, but it's still quite fine. The color is a dark blonde.

Diaper Size: Still a 4, and generally Huggies

Clothing: Mostly the 18 month outfits, but some 24 month

Shoes: The few he has are in 12-18 month (Robeez) or 5.5 Wide (Stride Rite)

Sippy Cups: He prefers the Nuby Flip-n-Sip

Bottles: Unfortunately yes, for milk. And he won't hold them himself.

Utensils: He likes to try to feed himself with sporks and spoons.

Favorite Toy: Still his Fisher Price Laugh & Learn Learning Home

Best Friend: Our dog, who he tries to play with all the time!

I have to say, this is such a fun age. The only thing I'm not liking is the temper tantrums. But I guess it comes with the territory, right?

Family

2010-11-10T05:38:00.000-05:00

I don't know if all parents discover children's music, but thanks to Nick Jr., I've been introduced to the (IMO) genius of Laurie Berkner. Not only does Little Man absolutely adore her music (he "dances" to "I'm Gonna Catch You" and "Five Days Old") but so do I. And my favorite song is "My Family" even though I often feel pangs of regret when sisters and brothers are mentioned. But overall the song is wonderful, and the line I bolded resonates.

F-A-M-I-L-Y
F-A-M-I-L-Y
F-A-M-I-L-Y
Family!

When you’re in my heart, you’re in my family,
When I’m in your heart, I’m in your family.
When you’re in my heart, you’re in my family,
When I’m in your heart, I’m in your family!
Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers,
Cousins, friends, sons and daughters,
Uncles, aunts, and grandparents
I’m so glad you’re my family!

Oh, I’m so glad you’re my family.
I’m so glad you’re my family
I’m so glad you’re my family
I’m so glad you’re my family.

Even if you’re far away
or if I see your every day
when you’re in my heart to stay
You’re my family!

When you’re in my heart, you’re in my family
When I’m in your heart, I’m in your family.
When you’re in my heart, you’re in my family
When I’m in your heart, I’m in your family.
Fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers,
Cousins, friends, sons and daughters,
Uncles, aunts, and grandparents
I’m so glad you’re my family!

Oh, I’m so glad you’re my family.
I’m so glad you’re my family
I’m so glad you’re my family
I’m so glad you’re my family.

F-A-M-I-L-Y
F-A-M-I-L-Y
F-A-M-I-L-Y
Family!
Oh, I’m so glad!

I have several friends who I consider to be my family, because we're in each others' hearts. And I am so grateful that by marrying Dude, I have a wonderfully supportive family. It's like I have sisters, even though I don't see one of them too often, and I never realized I wanted that.

My sister-in-law, S, lives only 6 miles away so I see her more often than my other SIL, C. Because of that geographic closeness, I know her better and I think she knows me better too. She is such a lovely woman. S has helped me out by running to the store for me (when Little Man was a newborn) or fielded panicked phone calls. When Little Man was diagnosed with Torticollis and Brachycephaly, I had a breakdown and was home alone—she came right over.

My sister-in-law, C, is an awesome person, too. I wish we lived closer and were able to see each other more often. When I initially tried breastfeeding Little Man, C was almost 9 months along with her fourth (my niece who is 6 weeks younger than Little Man) and she went above and beyond the call of duty (by demonstrating) when she tried to help me figure it out. I was actually afraid of disappointing her when I decided to formula feed. And C has such an easy manner with her children. They are kids so they have their moments, but overall they're wonderfully well-behaved and I hope to learn from her example.

I'm less close to my brothers-in-law. I have more in common (interest-wise) with S's husband, J. A love of cartoons and Muppets and other juvenile entertainment. And a shared fondness for the Baby Blues comic strip. But I feel awkward around Dude's older brother (C's husband), M. It's probably more me. But I feel stupid around him. I'm much more comfortable with C. So lately I've found myself trying not to talk to him. That's wrong... I need to get over that. But I'm not sure how.

And I've mentioned that I adore my in-laws. They're great. And Dude's aunt is such a generous woman, who is great with all her grand-nephews and nieces. So I'm lucky. I hit the in-law jackpot. Most people complain about theirs... but not me. Thank goodness!

As for my family, I have mixed emotions. I've mentioned my parents, who are wonderful. And my brother, who is complex. But my extended family is harder to discuss. I love most of them. I no longer have emotional ties to my one male cousin. But I never felt close to my female cousins due to the age difference—I'm 6, 8, 11 and 14 years older than they are. Occasionally I am in touch, through Facebook, with my cousin's on my dad's side. But I seldom, if ever, hear from my cousins on my mom's side. I'm not sure if I want that to change or not. I hate getting hurt and it's easier to be distant than open myself up again to be rejected. And then I think I should be over these fears by now. I'm 40 years old... shouldn't I be past this? But I guess not.

So my family is Dude's and my friends. I'm so grateful that I have mended the one friendship that I almost permanently damaged and I'm doing my best to reconnect with friends that I have neglected due to motherhood and exhaustion. I hope they will accept my mea culpas, especially since they did that to me when their children were younger, but if not I will move on. I need to stop beating myself up for past mistakes. I really do.

Toddler Temper Tantrums

2010-10-29T05:51:00.000-04:00

Who knew it started so early—at 14 months? But it does. Oh, boy. Little Man will literally throw himself on the floor and scream if he doesn't get his way. And there really isn't a good way to reason with a toddler (even if mine isn't walking yet). They don't understand. While Little Man understands much more than he says, he doesn't understand that touching mommy's computer at work isn't a good thing.

I actually wish I made a better salary so I could enroll Little Man in daycare. The first year, bringing him to work with me was great. He slept a lot and I had my baby with me. I was with him. What could be better?

But now I realize he needs more socialization and would benefit from an environment that is structured around children. Not that I think he'd nap better. I actually would be worried he wouldn't. But he likes company when he plays. And most of his tantrums are because I'm sitting at my desk, trying to work, and he wants me sitting on the floor with him while he plays with his toys. He's quite social and I think would benefit from being around other toddlers.

However that's not happening any time soon. There's a lot of transition in our lives right now and no major changes, except for one that we've been discussing, will happen before next Spring. So for now I'm just going to have to "Make it Work" (as Tim Gunn would say) and hope for the best.

So about bullying

2010-10-20T05:05:00.000-04:00

While this blog started out as a place for me to write about my thoughts on motherhood and my experiences with my only child, it's also about ME (lately several posts have been unrelated to being a mom). Bullying has been a big thing in the news lately. Today people are wearing purple in support of bullying (I guess purple because the LGBT community chose the color as a symbol and that boy from Rutgers was Gay). But bullying is not necessarily a "Gay" thing.

I barely remember a time when I wasn't teased and tormented. Perhaps not the first 5 years of my life, but I remember DREADING going to school when I was only 7 or 8 years old. The people who lived in my neighborhood were just cruel. The other children called me Cheese. Seriously. Cheese. Why? Because this girl who lived down the block from me, Alyssa, ate cheese on the bus and because she cried. She was Cheese 1 and I was Cheese 2. Then she moved away (good for her!) and I was the lone target of the bullies in our neighborhood.

The girls next door were a few years older. I remember they asked me to play hospital with them. I was SO excited. They wanted me to play. So I went over and they had me lie on the picnic bench like it was a table. They wrapped me in bandages. And then they poked sewing needles in my arms. I was only 8.

I was told I was ugly. I was told that nobody liked me. In the Winter, I was pelted by ice balls. In the Spring, I was shoved down into puddles. There was a school bus stop just across the street from my house, but I walked to the other bus to be with my friends Michelle and Jennifer as support. I remember in 6th grade that this boy, Russell was his name, had a big party and he invited ALL the kids—except for me and a few others, who were all my friends. I did have friends, but we were the misfits. It hurt so badly. And I don't remember ever telling my parents what was going on. Or if I did, I may not have told them everything. I'm not sure why.

Middle School was better. I made more friends as the 5 elementary schools in our town combined. So for two years (7th and 8th grade) I was happier. I met my best friend there and we're still friends today, 27 years later. But of course that didn't last and I went to high school, losing many of my friends since we had a regional district and most of the girls I liked went to the other high school. Great.

High School SUCKED the first two years, since the bullies who had tormented me were older and still there. I remember three of them flicking cigarette ashes in my hair on the school bus home (the bus driver was no help, they never are) and I ran screaming off the bus to my BFF's bus (she lived in another area of town) and went home to her house. That time I told my mom, who then told the other girls' moms what they had done. They never physically hurt me again, but the emotional abuse was torture.

So for years I was told I was ugly and undesirable. I believed it. So I never dated in high school and only barely dated in college. I gave a weak attempt at suicide when I was 16 (downed most of an aspirin bottle). Thankfully it didn't work. But I'm not going to give a "bio" of my life here. It will be too long. But it did get better. I made friends. I found my niche when I went to Hofstra. But I still felt inadequate. And I didn't have serious relationships and I sabotaged the ones I did have. My self-esteem was shot. And when I turned 30, I was clinically depressed. Thank goodness for therapy and my dog Casey. Seriously, both of them helped turn things around.

So there are reasons I didn't meet Dude until I was 36. I really didn't date seriously until I was 34... I had no faith in myself. And even today, I often feel like I don't deserve to be happy.

Bullying affects your life. And sometimes you're just bullied for being sensitive. Bullies like to make people cry.

If there is one thing I hope to do with my son, it's to teach him NOT to be a bully. It's to teach him to treat others with respect. And to tell me or his father if he's being bullied, so we can figure out ways to combat it. I pray he's not treated like I was. I started out like he did. All smiles and friendly. And while I'm still outgoing, there is always a knot in my stomach when I talk to new people. I don't want Little Man to have that knot.

There will always be mean people, but I do hope things can get better. At the very least, all the news on bullying have brought this problem out in the open. And perhaps as my son gets older, there will be more ways to combat it.

14 Months

2010-10-16T07:41:00.000-04:00

The other day when I wrote about my friendship ending, Little Man turned 14 months old. I'm not taking photos each month like I did the first year—though I still take quite a lot of pics—so I decided to share a bit of what he's doing now, as an "almost-toddler." I say "almost" because he's NOT walking yet. Yeah, I realize he's not behind per se (especially as I didn't walk until 17 months and Dude was about 18 months) but when we go to gymnastics class at the Y and all the others are walking (and, yes, they're older), I feel like something is wrong.

But he does talk. Sort of. At least Dude and I and people close to Little Man understand him. He can say:

UpDown (he knows what UP and DOWN means and says them both, but likes to say it as one word)

Mama

Dada (though Dude thinks he doesn't say it or know who he is)

Nana

Daw (Dog)

Duck

Don Duck (Donald Duck)

Maa (for Moo and Cow)

Ah Dun (All Done)

Dat (That)

Baba (Bottle)

Ah-wah (Agua, from my Dominican coworker who adores Little Man)

Hola (He says it in Spanish but no Hello yet)

Hah Daw (Hot Dog from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse)

I may edit this list as I think of other words. I want to be sure to remember this... since I forget things so quickly.

Little Man also got his 7th tooth on Thursday (bottom left lateral incisor finally broke through). He hadn't cut a bottom tooth since he was 6 months old! No molars yet, but you can see where they will eventually erupt. And I guess tooth #8 will show up soon (the other bottom lateral). He eats pretty well, but I still worry if he's getting enough protein. He loves his carbs.

In other stats, he's still in size 4 diapers and he's wearing 18 month clothing—unless it's cut small, like Polo or BabyGap for shirts. His torso is still longer than his legs. I'm not sure when or if that will change. Most of his wardrobe is from Carter's, which I find fits him quite well. But Gap and Old Navy has some really cute stuff.

So my baby is becoming more and more of a boy. 14 months... wow.

An Ending

2010-10-14T18:07:00.000-04:00

I had a very good friend in college. Our friendship started when we met at orientation, a few months before our Freshman year began. While our political views were opposite, we had enough in common to maintain a friendship for years beyond college and with a distance of hundreds of miles.

She was always a better friend than I. She remembered everything I said and she was thoughtful in asking about people I knew and about my family. I'm not saying she was perfect, because she wasn't. But she gave more than I did. And a few years ago, I let her down by goofing off online when I was on the phone with her and just not being there for her. So she cut me out of her life. I tried to make amends, but I recently found out that my attempts were not enough for her.

She kept emailing me and sending gifts for Little Man. Very thoughtful, but we hadn't talked since I told her I was pregnant (and she quickly got me off the phone). I truly believed she wanted me out of her life and I couldn't figure out why she kept including me in her mass emails and sending my son gifts. So I wrote a note basically saying I was confused to why she kept in touch that way when it seemed she wanted me out of her life. And I asked her to stop sending gifts for Little Man if she didn't want our friendship to continue.

I don't regret sending my note. But I did get what I asked for. She sent a cold letter basically telling me off for my behavior. She was right, I let her down. But I'm tired of being beat up over it. And I'd rather her hate me and cut me out of her life than feel so uncomfortable when I heard from her. She does. It's gone. A friendship over.

I hope my other friend, who I recently hurt, will forgive me. But I'm a coward. I haven't called or written. I'm tired of being hurt. And I've been hurt way too much by others. All the recent news of bullying reminds me of my childhood and teenage years. So to think that *I* hurt people the way I was hurt... well, that sucks.

Does being a mom change you?

2010-10-12T12:28:00.000-04:00

Before I had children, I would have said no. No, of course it wouldn't change me. I'd still be the same person I was before but with added responsibilities. Well, that isn't the case.

Before I was a mom, I'd drive all over the place to see my friends. And I had these grandiose plans to just take Little Man with me. But he's a fussy napper and doesn't necessarily travel well (beyond 30 minutes in the car). So I've canceled plans with friends at the last minute and now have probably ruined a few friendships as well. It's like I freeze and panic. I never did that before. But now, all of a sudden, it's like I'm unable to do things on my own because I worry about Little Man and how he'll react--or how I'LL react due to the lack of sleep (he wakes up early) if I'm out too late.

So I've changed. Not always for the better. And I'm not sure how to let my friends know that I don't mean to hurt them with my indecisiveness. I love my friends. But I know I've let a few of them down in the last several months and I'm not sure they will accept my apologies. Perhaps if I'd only done it once, they would. But you know that saying: Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me? These friends must feel like they are fools for thinking I'd be there.

It sucks. It really does. Because I know I'm making these poor choices and it stems from fear but I really can't convey this to my friends. I think my friends who are mothers understand (they say they do) and my best friend does (but we've known each other for 27 years) but a few of my friends may not.

So I hate that I haven't changed for the better. I'm still me. And I'm a good mother. And I'm not a bad person. But some of these changes have been for the worse.

Spaghetti O's

2010-09-15T16:39:00.000-04:00

Little Man tried them for the first time today and LOVED them.

Thirteen Months

2010-09-14T17:03:00.000-04:00

No more monthly photos—not that I shared them here, though I think I should finally do so—but today Little Man is 13 months old. And to commemorate the milestone, I took him to his pediatrician to make sure his right eye was OK since it had been tearing for several days. His pedi couldn't find anything wrong but wanted to make sure everything was all right (as it was just ONE eye tearing) and sent me to a pediatric ophthalmologist. The eye doctor thinks it was a foreign body but couldn't see anything under his eyelid. Thankfully there were no scratches on his cornea.

So the morning was busy and Little Man did not nap—not his fault, I had to wake him to take him to the doctor. When he doesn't get his morning nap (and I assume it's still relatively common at 13 months) he is crankier during the day. Usually it's his "better" nap (from around 8:30/9:00 am until 10 am) and the afternoon nap is hit or miss. Today he did nap at my office—for those who don't know, he accompanies me to work as I work for a family-run business—for over an hour but when he woke up he was very clingy and I think the lack of earlier sleep affected him.

Overall, he's such a sweet boy. He gives "kisses" to everyone (blows them) and gives me actual ones (open mouth on my cheek) and big hugs. He's trying SO hard to walk but isn't quite there yet. I often wonder if his larger size—he was 25 lb 12 oz today—is the culprit. He has a lot more to carry than a 20 lb baby. But I'm not really concerned about him not walking yet, since I didn't walk until I was 17 months old and Dude was nearly 18 months when he took his first steps. But he's getting much better at standing unassisted and actually did so for over a minute today. Progress!

Little Man just makes me smile. I am so grateful that he's my son and a part of my life.

Peachy Keen!

Birthday Photos

2010-09-09T17:07:00.000-04:00

Three weeks later isn't TOO bad, is it? Nahh... I'm just behind on the times. Plus my laptop was being repaired (the handle of my case unlatched and it hit the pavement) so I was computerless for 5 days. That was tough on me... I'm totally internet addicted.

August 14, 2009 and August 14, 2010

My little man is not so little any more!

And Little Man's was NOT happy with his birthday smash cake. The feeling of the icing on his fingers made him cry. Maybe he'll like cake by his 2nd birthday?

Playing Catch-Up

2010-08-31T17:45:00.000-04:00

Hello Blog! It's been a looooong time since I've stopped by here. I'm sorry I've neglected you so, but there has been a LOT going on in my life. Some things I cannot share publicly and since this is a public blog (and I want to keep it as such) I'll have to be cryptic and say there has been issues with my family of origin and it's affected me to an extreme level. I've been having panic attacks and haven't been sleeping well. Unfortunately it has also affected MY family of Dude, Little Man and Casey, too. But I have to just hope we'll get through this and that our future will be better than our present.

As my blog title is about my feelings and experiences about motherhood, I do want to mention that Little Man turned ONE on August 14th. I can't believe he's a "toddler" now—even if he's not walking yet—and that the first year went by so quickly. I'll post some photos from his first birthday tomorrow, but for now I'll just share a year of milestones. Most info is from his well baby visits but some months it was me weighing him. (Weight • Length/Height • Head Circumference)

Birth: 9 lb • 20.5 inches • 13.75 inches

2 Weeks: 9 lb 8 oz • 20.75 inches • 14.25 inches

1 Month: 11 lb 10 oz

2 Months: 13 lb 8 oz • 23 inches • 15.75 inches

3 Months: 16 lb 1 oz • 23.5 inches • 16 inches

4 Months: 17 lb 12 oz • 25.25 inches • 16.5 inches

6 Months: 20 lb 12 oz • 27.5 inches • 17.25 inches

7 Months: 22 lb (on UPS scale at my job)

8 Months: 22 lb 9 oz

9 Months: 23 lb 6 oz • 29.75 inches • 17.75 inches

10 Months: 24 lb 6 oz

11 Months: 25 lb 4 oz • 30.75 inches

12 Months: 25 lb 8 oz • 31.25 inches • 18.5 inches

For his entire first year, Little Man was in the 90th percentile for weight. He went from 50th in height (at 3 months) to 90th by 9 months. And thankfully for me, his weight gain slowed down after 6 months. But he's still quite heavy to carry. I have toned arms for the first time ever!

I can't believe Little Man is now 1! And I need to be better about keeping up with this blog.

11 Months Old

2010-07-21T13:00:00.000-04:00

Last week Little Man turned 11 months old. In just 4 weeks, he'll turn ONE. I can hardly believe it. Time flies by SO quickly.

Here's my cutie pie with his Tigger on July 14th.

I haven't been updating this blog again because of many factors but mostly because I've been tired and have spent most of my internet time goofing off on Facebook or The Bump. It's mindless, most of the time, and keeps me somewhat sane. I feel that I can connect with other adults without having to go out. And after writing that, I must sound anti-social, right? I'm not. But I'm just so tired that mustering up the energy to GO somewhere is difficult.

The weekend of July 9-12, Dude, Little Man and I went away. One day in Maryland so I could see some 'net friends and attend Nora Robert's book signing at Turn the Page Books in Boonsboro. The other two in Virginia to see Dude's best friend. We made these plans months ago and expected to spend the day with his friend but it was his girlfriend's sister's birthday and we only saw them for brunch. I'm a bit sad about that, but at least Dude was able to see him for a little while. Here's a photo of Dude and I with Little Man in Reston, VA.

The Friday after we got back from our getaway, Little Man had surgery to repair the Hydrocele he was born with. Dude and I were a bit worried about the anesthesia, but he did pretty well. He managed without food for a LONG time and, overall, handled the post op without much fuss. The worst part was when he woke up. He was STARVING and upset and the crying caused him to choke on his bottle. But once I got him settled, he finished off an 8 oz bottle. Don't keep Little Man away from his food.

The next few weeks will be busy. Dude and I are going to help my parents pack up the rooms affected by the remodel of their house. My parents are both disabled: my dad due to obesity and bad knees and hips and my mom due to Parkinson's. My brother helps, but his chronic migraines and Fibromyalgia make it difficult for him to manage in this humid heat. Hopefully my best friend will help take care of Little Man, who gets into everything. I can't work without some assistance. And I need to pack up things in my old bedroom so we can throw it in the dumpster—including old furniture and an old television that nobody will take.

I'll try to return more frequently to this blog. Though it's not like I'm a high traffic site. Next up, I'll update about Little Man's torticollis. I need to gather my thoughts first.

Blogger's Block

2010-07-06T12:26:00.000-04:00

I guess that's what I've been going through. It's like I WANT to blog about a lot of things but cannot gather my thoughts. I guess that's part of motherhood, right? Losing the ability to focus? Mom brain. At least when it was pregnancy brain, I had the excess blood volume and weird symptoms to blame. Now I only have exhaustion.

So what's been going on with me? I work. I eat. I sleep. I take care of Little Man. I walk the dog. Occasionally DH and I will cuddle (or more). But mostly I just have been existing. I feel like I've neglected many of my friends—I know I have—and I'm not really in the mood to get together with anyone. It's like I've done nothing but run around for the last 3 years and I need a break. First marriage plans. Family gatherings. Baby stuff. It's as though I never have a moment to veg out.

And the other big news is that Dude and I are going to move in with my parents—who are building a handicapped accessible master suite on the ground floor of their house—to help take care them. And they, in turn, are helping US by giving us a stable home and less to pay per month so we can A) pay off our debt and B) save for the future. We'll be paying them monthly for the work that's being done on the house, but the monthly payment will be around $300 less per month than we're currently paying for rent. Our costs for utilities will probably remain the same, but we'll save on cable and internet. And by buying in bulk for food, we'll also save money. Plus my car will be paid off in June of 2011... yes, a year away, but something to look forward to.

It's going to be a huge adjustment. And, perhaps, my thoughts have been so preoccupied by all this entails that it has contributed to my lack of focus. But planning this. And also planning Little Man's 1st birthday party (in 5 weeks!) and dealing with some health issues (will update later on that) has taken a toll on me.

But Dude and I are doing OK. We're taking a weekend away—even though we cannot afford it—to see his best friend in Virginia this weekend. And since my Nora Roberts' message board gathering is nearby (in Maryland), we're also spending a day for me to catch up with some friends. It'll be good for us. We're taking Little Man, so please pray for us that he sleeps.

Hello

2010-06-10T04:23:00.000-04:00

Due to a mix of utter exhaustion and forgetfulness, it's been several weeks since I've updated my blog. So hello. I'm doing OK. Still stressed but I seem to be handling it. Unless you count the utter exhaustion. But that's also due to chasing after a crawling dynamo!

Little Man is FAST! And he's drawn to danger. He goes straight to the carbon monoxide detector in our condo. At the office, he is fascinated by the envelopes (which I've since moved) and crawling under my desk. When he does that, he often scrapes his head. I'm NOT a fan of that. Nor am I a fan of his newest talent: temper tantrums. Who'd have thought a 10-month-old (almost!) would have them already? I thought I had a year before that would start! So being a mom of an active infant is not easy. It's worth it... but it's a job.

While I've been busy the last couple of weekends, there really isn't anything new going on. I spent the day alone last Saturday when I went to a dear friend's engagement party. I almost canceled because I knew the trip would be too much (in one day) for Little Man but when faced with the reality of how my actions hurt my friend, I went alone—and had a nice time. I'm glad I went because my friend is a wonderful person and I'm so happy for her. Dude stayed home with Little Man, who apparently refused to nap. So I guess it was a good thing he stayed home, as he got cranky from lack of sleep. The next day, I mostly crashed. It was a long drive to the party (even though the traffic gods were kind to me) and then this week has just dragged—even though I worked from home on Tuesday afternoon.

I just want to feel rested again. I don't know if I ever will. I truly can't imagine having more than one child and running after two or more. For my mom friends who DO have more than one, you are superheroes to me. I'm actually quite content with my choice to have just one. He's wonderful but he's enough.

Stress vs. Depression

2010-05-25T05:00:00.000-04:00

Earlier this month, during the "great messageboard debacle of 2010," I was 'accused' of being severely depressed because I mentioned feeling unable to handle taking care of my son alone. Sometimes one is not really able to express oneself and words can be misconstrued. I can take care of Little Man without help, but it's not easy and I'm glad I have Dude to co-parent. I'm not depressed—I've suffered from depression and know the difference—but I AM feeling overwhelmed by stress.

Neither Dude nor I have high paying jobs. In fact, Dude took a pay cut (mandatory unpaid furlough days) the week after Little Man was born. It's 10% of his salary and the loss of income has hurt us badly. My job has been low paying but as it's a family business, I have extremely flexible hours and can bring Little Man with me to the office. Since our bills consume most, if not all, of our monthly take home income, it's a necessity for me to have my son with me. Daycare is so expensive and if I had to put him there, we'd just be putting it on a credit card and hoping we'd be able to pay it off one day. So money woes is causing a LOT of stress.

In addition to those issues, I'm not certain my father will be able to keep the company running beyond this year. And now I'm thinking: what can I do for a job???? I used to work as a desktop publishing editor for a major publishing company. But when I was laid of in 2002, I sat on my ass and let my career slip away. Thank goodness my parents actually needed me and I've been there for nearly 8 years. But, in retrospect, that was a mistake and I'm not sure where I can find work when I need to. And Dude is not happy in his job and I'm not sure it's entirely secure. Job security in this day and as is rare.

Then there are my parents. Their health is ... eh, they're not doing so well. My father is morbidly obese. He knows he should lose weight but never does. He's 67 years old and I'm not sure he even wants to lose weight. But he can't get a knee or hip replacement unless he does and he hobbles around on a cane that can barely support his weight. I'm worried about him but even more worried about my mother. She was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease last Fall. She'd been suffering from a rare neurological disorder for years—something called an orthostatic tremor—where only her lower extremities are affected. She cannot stand still without trembling. And then she started to have weakness in her hands and a shake. So she went to a specialist in NYC and was diagnosed with Parkinson's as well. My mom's mother died in January. The business she helped my father build is failing. So she is extremely depressed. She feels like she can't do anything and like a burden.

I have a wonderful brother who would help you out in a pinch. But he's also very dependent upon my parents. He has chronic migraines and Fibromyalgia. So he's in constant pain and has no friendships—it's like whenever he tries, he gets stomped on—and he's given up on people. He's very intelligent and very few people share his interests. As he feels he cannot speak to anyone and share with them, I think he's taken to picking arguments so he can debate and then exercise his intellect. Though he does not do this to prove superiority. He needs the stimulation. But he's not capable of caring for my parents and a lot of this will fall on me.

So I'm stressed. I'm very stressed. There's more to it, but stress does not equal depression. That being said, stress can cause anxiety and I'm feeling a lot of that.

9 Months Old!

2010-05-23T05:08:00.000-04:00

Little Man turned 9 months old on May 14th. Nine months! The length of a pregnancy. Longer than my engagement (which was 7 months). He's three quarters of a year old! It's going soooooo fast. My little man is looking less "babyish" and more "boyish" as every day goes by. I love watching the changes but it's also bittersweet. I'm not sure how to explain it. You want your child to become more independent and more "himself" but when you lose that stage of just being little and needing mommy (or daddy) all the time, you miss it. Of course I still have a long time before he won't need me, but he's crawling and trying to stand up. He's becoming a BOY.

An online friend of mine—and I really do consider my mommy messageboard friends to be friends, even if not a close bosom buddy—Peeper has a wonderful blog. I love how she writes and the photos she takes of her darling daughter. (Note to self: if she doesn't read my blog, let her know that!) And her daughter is a bit older than my son, and she gave a 9 month stats and sort of quiz. So I'm "borrowing" it and will do this monthly thereafter. Here is Little Man's 9 month stats:

Age: As of this blog, 9 months, 1 week and 2 days.
Weight: 23 lb 6 oz
Height: 29.75 inches
Size (diapers, onesies, etc.): Size 4 diapers and 12-18 month clothing (though they are loose, but the 6-12/9-12 are too tight)
Eyes: They're an interesting mix of green, blue and gray. Some days they look very green and others they look blueish gray.
Hair: While still mostly peach fuzz, he DOES have hair. It's a dark blonde color.
Sleeping: He's good for his morning nap, usually. Afternoons are another story! As for overnight... better. Most nights he'll sleep through the night. But not always...
Teeth: Four! The two bottom central incisors came around 6 months and, recently, the two upper ones came in.
Milestones: He's a crawling fiend! And clapping, too! (See videos on my prior blog). And he's trying to stand, too.
Words/sounds: He's still just babbling, I think. His favorite is Dada. Though he'll say Mama and other "ah" sounds. But his babbles have definite sentence structure. Though probably only another baby would understand what he's saying.
What we are looking forward to: EVERYTHING! lol

I'm going to devote another entry to foods. But I will say that Little Man LOVES Cheerios! We gave them to him for the first time yesterday and he went to town on them! He's liking most foods but is less interested in his bottle. Perhaps that will make it easier for him to be weaned off of formula? I don't know. His pediatrician wants us to give him four 6 oz bottles so his formula intake is 24 oz. But he seems uninterested. And she also wants us to try to transition him (slowly) to using a sippy cup and taking water. Yesterday he took a little, which is a start.

Well, I see Little Man rolling about in his crib (yes, I'm spying on him with the video monitor again) and should probably free him soon. He likes to be on the move!

Crawling and Clapping!

2010-05-16T16:52:00.000-04:00

Little Man turned 9 months old on May 14th and the weekend before—on Mother's Day, actually—he started crawling. It started off slow... he'd crawl a bit, stop, then sit and look at me or Dude. But by mid-week he was crawling quickly! Here's a video of him in my office.

Besides crawling, he's started clapping. He claps and looks around for approval. If you say "Yay!" he claps some more and laughs! It's very fun. So far, nine months has been quite fun! Since I'm sharing videos, here's one of him clapping, taken the same day at my office.

Last week was somewhat hectic for me, so I didn't really update my blog. But tomorrow, when I have a chance, I'll share some photos from my first Mother's Day. I'm still somewhat in shock about that—I'm a mom! I'm not sure when it will fully sink in, but after 9 months it really hasn't yet. I guess I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that I turned 40 last month.

Trying to Crawl and Pulling Up

2010-05-06T17:19:00.000-04:00

Little Man is TRYING but he's not getting anywhere yet. He crawls backwards quite well, actually. On his hands and knees, belly off the floor, but try as he may he isn't getting where he wants to go. Because of that, he's been quite frustrated and he expresses that with sounds of anger. My happy baby is pissed off because his body isn't doing what he wants. I hope he gets there soon, though if he does we're in trouble because our apartment is poorly babyproofed. Dude and I need to get our acts together.

He is also trying to pull up. He does this on the crib slats and on my legs. He somewhat lifts himself up but not quite. It's amazing how fast the changes come. A few weeks ago he wasn't even trying to crawl and then—BAM—it's like something clicked and he knew what to try. Before I know it, he'll be a year old and walking and talking!

As for talking, he's still only babbling. But his babbles are recognizable. He'll say dada and mama and baba. He also enjoys saying rara and blah and la. I don't think he'll be speaking as early as I was (9 months) but he seems quite verbal. Little Man will be 9 months old next week. He still only has two teeth and while he's definitely teething, nothing is breaking through.

Big changes are coming. I just know it.

If you know messageboards... I got flamed

2010-05-03T18:43:00.000-04:00

Majorly so. I post on the Bump. I mostly stick to a few quieter boards and that's it. But when Dude was away for a few days and I got a taste of single motherhood, I wanted to let the moms on the Single Parents board there know how much I admired them for juggling baby, work, life and doing it all on their own. I found it exceptionally difficult for just a few days so I can't imagine doing it daily. At one point in my life, I had grandiose plans on finding a sperm donor if I didn't meet someone by the time I was 40. It was SO unrealistic of me. So I truly meant to be complimentary.

Big. Fat. Fail.

In my post, I mentioned how I left Little Man in his crib while I walked the dog. The women there took my "walk the dog" comment to mean I took a long stroll around the block with the dog while my child was unattended and in danger in his crib. The part that I'm trying to wrap my thoughts around is that many of these women sincerely feel that I endangered the welfare of my child. They feel that leaving him alone in the crib is tantamount to child abuse.

So my question is: what do you do when you are alone with your child and you have to pee. What if you have diarrhea? Do you bring your child into the bathroom while you do your business? Do you just plop them on the floor while you relieve yourself? The women there were saying they strap their children in bouncy seats. Well, I'm SO glad that their children are small enough to safely sit in one. My son is nearly at the weight limit and he's figured out how to fling himself—and the bouncy seat—forward. So I've since packed it away.

I thought having Little Man in his crib while I shower is the safest place for him. It's not like I'm taking 20 minute steam baths. But for 5-10 minutes I like to shower and shave my legs before I go to work. If I go into the laundry room, I leave Little Man in his crib. What else should I do?

But the main issue was that I took the dog outside to relieve himself and left the baby in his crib in the condo. They all feel that child protective services should be called and that I endangered his welfare. I asked mothers I know about this, and most concur that they have left their child in his/her crib while they a) went to the basement (if they have a house) or went to the laundry room (in an apartment complex) that is down the hall. My mom said that when I was a baby, she left me in my crib while she walked our standard poodle in the front yard.

So this is actually weighing on me. Those women got what they wanted. Their flames burned me.

Little Man is a DOC Band Graduate!

2010-05-01T12:50:00.000-04:00

Little Man outgrew his DOC Band last Sunday and had his "graduation" at Cranial Technologies in Paramus, NJ on Friday April 30, 2010. He wore two helmets, each for 8 weeks, and his cephalic index went from 100% to 86%. That was from a +5.3 standard deviation to a 1.2! Amazing results. Here are the final photos.

Little Man was NOT happy. He's 8.5 months old now and is going through stranger anxiety a bit late (or possibly separation anxiety?). In any event, he was SOBBING throughout all the photos and measurements, but I really wanted to know where he ended up. I think many plagio/brachy parents do.

He also had mild plagiocephaly on his left side, starting out with cranial vault asymmetry of 6mm. When he finished, it was down to 2mm. I barely notice anything any longer. And while his head isn't at the "mean" it's definitely normal looking.

For anyone contemplating banding your baby, I think Little Man is proof that it works. He started at 4.25 months and finished at 8.5 months, with an 11 day lapse between helmets. I think it was worth every penny and if you are lucky enough to have health insurance that will pay for a cranial remolding orthotic, do not hesitate!

Finally Done with the DOC Band!

2010-04-27T07:48:00.000-04:00

After 16 weeks and 2 helmets, Little Man is done with his DOC Band(s). This past Sunday, he developed red marks that did not fade after an hour. So Dude and I decided to remove the helmet and be done with it. I called Cranial Technologies on Monday morning and scheduled Little Man's exit appointment for Friday. Once I have the final photo study and measurements, I'll share here for my fellow plagio & brachy parents. But here are photos I took today of his head from top, right and left angles. I think he looks pretty darn good!

Family Vacation

2010-04-14T11:50:00.000-04:00

Last Tuesday after Little Man's follow-up visit at the burn unit (did fabulously and is healing nicely and does not need to go back) we headed up to Newport, Rhode Island for our first family vacation to celebrate my 40th birthday. Dude's car was jam-packed with suitcases, baby gear, etc. It is NOT easy to travel with a baby in a Volkswagen Jetta!

But the trip was fun. Rhode Island was the only state on the East Coast that I had not been to, so that's why we chose it. The weather was GORGEOUS. Sunny and in the 70's for much of our trip. Very rare for the first week of April. Heck, it's even snowed on my birthday in the past. But not this year. Yay for me.

Little Man did very well on the trip. He slept in the car for most of the drive and was fine when he was awake. The main issue we had was sleeping at night—and it's continued since our return. The hotels provide a "port-a-crib" (a pack-n-play/playard) and Little Man does NOT sleep well in them. But we managed to put him down each night but then he'd wake up SCREAMING and would not go back to sleep. Finally, out of exhaustion, I put him in bed between Dude and I. That happened each night.

Of course when we got home on Saturday night, he would not sleep.

Dude, out of frustration, said to me: "That's what you get for letting a baby sleep with you!"

I sobbed. I was so hurt and upset and tired. I didn't know what to do and letting Little Man sleep with us allowed ME to sleep for a bit. I cannot function without at least SOME sleep.

The last 3 nights have not been much better. He keeps waking and it's not easy to get him back down. I'm not sure if it's the travel, teething or if he's having nightmares from being burned. But what I do know is that I'm seriously tired and am getting worried about commuting to work now. I'm finding it hard to stay awake in the afternoon.

But, overall, we had a fun vacation and I'm so glad we went away. Little Man was just so good and friendly at all the restaurants—he charmed everyone he met. And he loved the fish and the sea lions at the Mystic Aquarium—we stayed in Mystic on Friday night, yet another place I hadn't been. Plus he adored swimming in the hotel pool in Newport. I can't wait to start swim lessons with him.

Here's the one and only family photo from our trip (there are pics of Dude with Little Man and me with him, but just the one of the 3 of us) that was taken at night by the lighthouse on Goat Island, where we stayed. Self-timers are great things!

Little Man Got Burned

2010-04-02T04:52:00.000-04:00

I haven't been feeling up to blogging about this before now. Plus Dude asked me NOT to put this on Facebook—so if you know me IRL and are a FB friend, please do not post about this. Thank you.

First off, Little Man is doing OK and should completely recover. He has a 2nd degree burn on his left foot. Here's how it happened.

Monday night we were at my MIL's home for Passover. The Seder was nice (too long for us, however) and after dinner the family brought out a cake for my birthday, which is next Wednesday. After we had cake (Kosher for Passover, by the way), my MIL was holding Little Man as Dude and I were packing up the diaper bag and gathering items to put in the car.

Then I heard the most AWFUL shrieking. At first I couldn't understand why he was crying so.

Apparently when my MIL wasn't looking, my SIL (Aunt S) put a cup of hot coffee in front of her at the table and Little Man pulled the tablecloth and scalding hot, black coffee poured on his left leg and foot. He was not wearing socks but was wearing pants. My SIL got the pants off and ran him to the kitchen and began to run his leg under cold water.

I took over while SIL called our pediatrician (we go to the same one). As I splashed cold water over his leg and foot, he screamed even louder and was in hysterics. Then his foot began to blister and I asked my MIL to call 911. They arrived within minutes, but it seemed like forever.

The EMTs agreed he needed to go to the hospital (a 2nd degree burn) so Dude loaded Little Man's carseat in the ambulance and I went with him—DH followed. We got to the local hospital (no burn unit) because it was contained to his foot. Little Man was hysterical crying the entire time. It was so awful The EMT kept the oxygen near him (from the tube, the mask scared him) and that helped a bit.

I actually knew one of the medical techs (from his day job) and the ER pedi was so good. But they basically just dressed the burn—put a cream on it and wrapped his foot (2nd degree burn) and leg (bad 1st degree) and gave me a sleeve to cover it. We were given the number of the Burn Center at another hospital and were told to make an appointment for Tuesday.

Before we left the ER, they gave Little Man Motrin and Tylenol with Codeine. He slept for the ride home and when we got into our apt. he was actually awake and pretty cheerful. He slept OK, only waking up once when his pacifier came out and I didn't have to give him more painkillers.

I slept terribly, of course.

On Tuesday morning, I called the burn unit at the other hospital and made an appointment for 2:45 pm. Dude stayed home from work to go with us. The doctor who saw Little Man said the burn was mostly concerning due to Little Man's young age otherwise it would be a minor 2nd degree burn. She basically told us to keep it clean (he can have baths) and to dress the burn daily. The cream that was prescribed is Silvadene Cream (Silver sulfadiazine) and in an odd twist of fate, I may be allergic to it so I have to wear gloves when handling it.

We didn't change the bandage on Tuesday, since the nurse at the burn unit had, but we did the last two nights and Little Man is NOT happy when we do so. It's so pitiful listening to him cry in pain—even more so because he seldom did before. When he cried it was hunger or "pick me up" but never a pained cry. But overall he is doing well and seems to be his normal, cheerful self. Only with a large bandage on his left foot/leg.

We go back for a follow-up visit on Tuesday before we leave for our family vacation (to celebrate my 40th birthday) and the doctor said it would take 2-3 weeks to heal and then 2-3 months for the new skin to lose its redness. She did not think he'd have a raised scar but he may have skin discoloration.

It's been a very stressful week. Beyond our fear for our son, we now have medical bills (ambulance ride, ER visit and burn doctor, even though we're filing a claim) and a baby who is not comfortable. The last week of my 30s aren't ending as I had hoped. But I am so grateful that it wasn't worse.

A Night (and Morning) in the Life...

2010-03-25T04:31:00.000-04:00

Last night, around 2:00 am, Little Man was crying in his sleep because he couldn't find his pacifier (we call it a noonie because that's what Dude called his as a baby). He generally feels around in his crib and then pops it in his mouth and falls back into a deep sleep. I often hear him whimpering and watch this on the video monitor.

But last night he couldn't find it and so I went into his room and moved him (he'd rolled on top of it) to put it in his mouth. But when I moved him, I felt that he was sopping wet. He'd peed through his diaper, pajamas and sleep sack.

The dilemma!

He was ASLEEP. But I couldn't let him sleep in soaking wet clothes (sheets were dry, peed up front). So I tried to change Little Man in his sleep without waking him.

No go! He woke up SCREAMING!

He wailed throughout the diaper change as I fumbled in the dark, only lit by a night light. Then he sniffled and snuffled for about 15 minutes as I rocked him back to sleep in the glider.

I went back into my bedroom and Dude was like "what was that all about?" When I told him he'd peed through he was like well you had to change him and we both went back to sleep.

Little Man kvetched again at 5:45 am, but I easily popped in his pacifier and then he slept until nearly 7. I changed him, gave him his bottle and he was rubbing his eyes. He was still tired. So I put him back in his crib but he was having none of that this morning! He just wanted to be HELD! So I rocked with him in the glider for about a half hour. I thought, how often in life will he want me like this? So I held him and he's sleeping again and now I'll get my day started.

And he's teething, no less. Top right center tooth and two more bottom teeth (that I can see). Haven't poked out of the gums yet... but soon!

Having a baby is fun, too!

2010-03-19T07:13:00.000-04:00

I seem to have blogged primarily about Little Man's problems. The torticollis. The brachycephaly. But for the most part, having a baby is pretty darn fun. You get to watch your little one make discoveries, like when Little Man found his feet. And he smiles when he's happy and is beginning to say dada and mama—and perhaps he'll know what those words mean someday soon.

There is a look of pure joy on Little Man's face when he's in his exersaucer. He jumps up and down and almost cackles in enjoyment. I so wish I could get him a jumperoo... but, alas, the torticollis prohibits that (per his physical therapists). But he sure does love to jump. I'm sure he'll be jumping all over the place when he's older.

It's so hard to believe at times that seven months have gone by. My baby boy doesn't really look so little, since he's a big fellow at 22 odd pounds. He's wearing 12 month clothing, too. He WANTS to crawl. He creeps backwards as he tries to get to toys or other objects he wants (our TV remote) that's in front of him. And he's clever, too, as he rolls around the crib to get to a toy. He's figured out how to get what he wants.

I know one cannot spoil a baby, but it's become apparent he's playing me now. He knows too much... he knows he can get mommy to do pretty much whatever he wants. But I want to foster independence and I'll let him play by himself in the pack-n-play in my office while I attempt to get some work done.

His smile cheers up everyone who meets him. I think Little Man inherited that from my grandfather, who he is named for. Grandpa always smiled—and so does my son.

The Saga of DOC Band #2

2010-03-11T12:00:00.000-05:00

When we had the DSi for Little Man's second helmet, it was 7 weeks into his first one. I was told he had two weeks remaining and, thus, thought there would be no lapse. However, when he went for his weekly adjustment at Cranial Technologies on February 18th, his clinician shaved the foam inside the helmet down to the plastic and told me if I see redness on his forehead or anywhere else that doesn't fade after an hour to just discontinue use.

Of course that happened that very night.

So Little Man was going to be sans helmet for a week. As he now sleeps on both sides, rolling all over the crib, I wasn't too worried about regression. But I was a bit upset that if he had a growth spurt, he'd miss the opportunity to redirect the growth to the back of his head. We were scheduled to pick up DOC Band #2 on Thursday, February 25th.

Then it snowed. And Little Man got a cold. So we rescheduled for Monday, March 1st. Little Man didn't wear a helmet for 11 days and when he got the new one, I was all pumped. I'm thinking, he's only 6.5 months old and has lots of growth ahead of him. I thought some babies don't even get helmets this young and they see great improvement and this is my son's SECOND one. Well, the posterior (some call it "brachy") band he wears has stronger pressure than most of Cranial Technologies' designs. And I took him back the next day for a check. We were on a modified schedule at first but he slept in it by Wednesday night and wore it all day on Thursday (3/4). I took it off for his torticollis stretches and all looked OK. But during his hour off on Thursday night, the red marks didn't fade. So he slept without it.

Friday, March 5th, I called Cranial Technologies in the morning and told them what had happened. They had me put the band back on for a few hours and come by. I'm lucky that the one I go to—in Paramus, NJ—is only 30 miles from my office (a bit further from my home) so it wasn't too bad of a trip. The tech who saw me (not my usual one, though she stopped in) made some adjustments to the holding points and told me to let the redness completely fade before putting it back on. And after that, to be on a 3 hours on/1 hour off schedule through the weekend and to call on Monday. He tolerated it well during the weekend but did not sleep in it.

Monday, I called and we were on a 6 hours on/1 hour off schedule. Tuesday morning (3/9) was his first day wearing it 23/7. He did OK and when I took off the helmet on Wednesday morning to check him, there were red marks again. They faded, but it took around 2 hours. We saw our usual clinician on Wed. and she made another relief on the holding point and an adjustment to the back of the band (to allow for growth). He seemed fine last night. But, again, this morning, he had redness.

I spoke to our clinician and she feels for the next several days, to just give him more off time. If he doesn't adjust to the pressure of this helmet, Cranial Technologies will make a new band. But they're not sure if it's a fit issue or because of something else. Honestly, it is fitting OK but after he sleeps in it and rolls around, it shifts too much. I don't think I'm doing the wrong thing by not insisting they remake it immediately. This could happen again. So he'll have two hour breaks (in the AM and in the PM) instead of one. I don't think that 22/7 should hinder his progress.

So that's the saga. I hope we're on track now. I'll update next week after his appointment.

Another Fly By Blog Post

2010-03-04T12:21:00.000-05:00

For now I've settled on a blog design. I liked the mommy giraffe and baby and the soothing green colors. Of course I may change my mind—change is good. And I think I've wasted too much time today on this when I should have been doing work.

So here's the most recent updates about me and Little Man.

Torticollis regression: This began after he outgrew DOC Band #1 on February 18th. I'm not sure if he was too used to the helmet on his head or if it was another reason, but Little Man's tilt came back. I don't have percentages and he hasn't seen a specialist. My pediatrician sent him to physical therapy when he was 2 months old and he's been going for 4.5 months now. I'm really frustrated and worried. More so about his neck muscle than his head shape.

He Got DOC Band #2: Finally! After delays due to snow and a slight cold, Little Man got his new helmet on Monday, March 1st. Because of the style of band (specialized for brachycephaly) it tends to tip forward. And the helmet was seriously rubbing on a spot on the bridge of Little Man's nose. I think it's fixed now, but I'm keeping an eagle eye on it.

Of course he's more "aware" of this helmet because he's older now (6.5 months) and he's often tugging at the band and the velcro. So I'm not sure how much that affects the redness. And I think it bothered him last night as he slept, since he was extremely restless.

Got his "Big Boy" Carseat: Since Little Man is a big baby, we moved him to a convertible car seat about two weeks ago. He seems to like it. We got a Britax Marathon CS in the Matrix pattern.

Not much else to report except that our dog, Casey, got his teeth cleaned. Another expense we just put on the credit card. Debt is SO not fun. But Casey's breath smells much better and as soon as his hot spot clears up (he was licking the shaved spot where his IV was) we'll be good.

Ciao for now!

Playing around with my blog design

2010-02-24T07:57:00.000-05:00

Please be patient as I futz around here. I'm debating about how to handle this. Do I want to pay to completely customize my blog? Do I go back to Blogger since they have better free themes? I don't know.

We'll see how this goes for now.

A week's vacation from the DOC Band

2010-02-23T11:41:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday, during Little Man's final adjustment at Cranial Technologies, his clinician said that if the red marks on his forehead don't go away during the hour break for cleaning (the helmet) and bath time, then I should just discontinue use. Well, that happened. There were major marks on his head and his last day in DOC Band #1 was that night—February 18th.

His second DOC Band won't be in until this Thursday, February 25th, so Little Man is enjoying a week off from his helmet.

I'm sad that he lost a week's growth and I hope the weather forecast of snow holds off until AFTER his appointment on Thursday. I don't want to lose any more time. Little Man will be nearly 6.5 months old (6 months two weeks) when he gets the second band. And while I want him to get as much out of it as possible, I hope he'll only be in the helmet through April. It would be nice for him to graduate before the warm weather.

And by going forward with a 2nd helmet, he'll be wearing one during our vacation for my 40th birthday in April. While most people have been kind and encouraging, I wonder how he'll be received. I hope in the same manner. I guess the decorations help. I'm not sure how I'm going to decorate this time. I'll probably just get stickers this time, from Michael's (does anyone know of any other places to get stickers?) and use the Modge Podge to seal. But I still feel that Coree at BlingYourBand does a great job and I'd buy a second design from her as well.

Not much else to report. I'm sleep deprived again because I think more teeth are coming. The first two are out and there are 18 more to come. Wish me luck.

Six Months!

2010-02-17T04:27:00.000-05:00

It goes by oh so quickly. There are moments when I forget what it was like to not have Little Man in my life, but then I think about last year at this time and I was only just in my second trimester and still didn't look pregnant and hadn't felt the baby move yet. Then in late March, my gut feeling of "it's a boy" was confirmed and both myself and Dude began to feel Little Man's kicks. And the hiccups... oh, boy, did he get those all the time. And, actually, he got the hiccups a LOT the first few months.

The newborn stage is so fleeting. And my baby was so big—9 lbs at birth—so I didn't really get that tiny newborn that I was afraid of dropping. I feel somewhat melancholy in part because of the fact that Little Man is an only child. I won't have this again. I don't really want to go through the sleep deprivation a second time, to be honest. I don't know if it's age talking—I'll soon be 40!—or something else. But that part was hard to get through and I'm so grateful that Little Man generally will sleep. The nights he doesn't, really sucks.

So half a year later, my darling boy is rolling over, sitting up and reaching out to be held. While I do miss seeing his sweet keppie, I know his helmet is doing its job in reshaping his head. I can handle two more months for a lifetime of results. Though I DO take it off for photographs. I take one every month using these stickers I bought from Picky Sticky. Here is my happy boy at six months—on Valentine's Day.

He's a big boy, my Little Man. He weighed 20 lb 12 oz (95th percentile) and was 27-1/2 inches long (80th). And thanks to the helmet, his head went from the 30th percentile to the 50th! He's happy and healthy (poo-poo) and I look forward to the next six months.

Teething Hell

2010-02-11T03:17:00.000-05:00

So on top of the teething, Little Man also has a cold (unless the congestion/coughing is teething related). That meant I was up nearly every hour last night. 10:30 pm. 11:30 pm. 12:30 am. 1 am. (only 1/2 hour then). 2 am (even Dude woke up).

Then he gave me a 2 hour stretch and the 4 am cry only lasted a few seconds and he fell back to sleep. Another cry at 5 am. At 6 am I woke up to go to the bathroom and my DH to get ready for work (earlier than usual due to the snow). Little Man woke up at 6:30, as usual, because he was hungry.

I'm SUPPOSED to go to Cranial Technologies at 10:30 for his helmet adjustment and digital image scan for helmet #2. I'm barely functional right now—yet online, go figure—and am waiting for him to fall back to sleep (he's signing, a sure sign of impending sleep) so I can shower.

I truly feel for all you mamas who deal with this on a daily basis. I got so spoiled by the STTN. I'm shaky from the lack of sleep.

Getting DOC Band #2

2010-02-09T09:49:00.000-05:00

Being the assertive Aries that I am, I have convinced Dude to get Little Man a second helmet to get his head shape closer to the "mean". He has done amazingly well so far—his cephalic index (measurement of brachycephaly) went from 100% to 92.2% in only six weeks. The mean is 78%. I had Cranial Technologies do a 2nd photo study and take measurements last Thursday. I'm not going to bore you with the other numbers, but I will say that his CVA (cranial vault index) also decreased from 6 mm to 4 mm. That was the mild plagiocephaly he also has on his left side.

Here are the photos. Pics on the left were taken 3 weeks before he got his DOC Band (on 12/23/09). Something spooked him, so he was SOBBING and, thus, looks so sad in the second set of photos.

While the financial burden is going to be hard to handle, I know I'm doing the best for Little Man. Our future may include fantastic jobs and our situation can change. But there is only a short window of time to correct my baby's head shape.

I should try to blog about something else, but getting my son's head reshaped has been my main focus of late.

More Photographic Progess

2010-01-26T18:16:00.000-05:00

Little Man is doing well. Four weeks in the DOC Band and nice progress!

I don't have numbers yet, but I hope his Cephalic Index is much lower. I want Cranial Technologies to do another Photostudy so Dude and I can discuss the possibility (or probability, I believe) of a second band. I want Little Man to be as close to normal as possible.

Four Weeks in the Helmet

2010-01-21T11:01:00.000-05:00

Little Man has shown a wonderful improvement thus far! My photos aren't of the same pose, but hopefully you'll see the progress he's made.

The slope on the top of his head is less "pointy" and the back has really rounded out. Actually, after seeing these photos side by side, I feel more hopeful about his future progress with the DOC Band. However, I'm still concerned that he'll need a second one. Per his clinician at Cranial Technologies he has about 3 adjustments remaining in the helmet. I wish it was more, because I have a feeling I'll want him to get a 2nd DOC Band to further the improvement.

Here are photos from the top. The first was taken several weeks before his photo study.

It's not the same distance or angle, so the second picture is not a really good comparison photo, but you'll be able to see how it's filling in nicely.

So hopefully he'll REALLY grow over the next 3 weeks and I'll feel comfortable with having him in just ONE band. But if the progress isn't as much as I'd like, I may get him a second—if I can convince Dude that we should add to our debt to do so.

Here's one last photo comparison—Little Man now and when he was a newborn. Again not a great comparison, but I keep thinking of how oval his head was and this is why I'm not sure I'll be satisfied until it's more like this. And I realize a baby's head gets LESS oval as he gets older. But I want Little Man's head shape to be as close to the "norm" as possible.

My Baby's Band "Bling"

2010-01-10T07:33:00.000-05:00

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="300" caption="My Little Devil"][/caption]

Thanks to Coree at Bling Your Band!

My Grandmother

2010-01-04T16:09:00.000-05:00

My beloved grandmother died on Saturday, January 2, 2010. She never wanted anyone to know her age (though I did know eventually) and thus I won't share that here. She was such an amazing, lovely woman and is missed by her entire family. She raised two daughters—my mom being her oldest. She had two loving sons-in-law. She had 4 grandchildren and was able to see 3 of them marry—she longed to see my brother marry and find happiness. And she had 3 great-grandchildren, my son being her youngest.

This is the eulogy I gave at her funeral today.

Momma

Most of you probably knew my grandmother as Sheila. But some of you knew her as Momma. My brother, my cousins, and, I believe, their spouses, as well as my husband and his family all called her that—and I’m glad that I gave her that name.

When I was little, it confused me to have TWO grandmothers with the same name. So I came up with mum-ma, pronounced the British way with a U, even though Momma spelled it with an O, and Grandma for my dad’s mom. My grandfather was Poppa.

Mere words cannot truly express how I feel or the impact that Momma had on my life or upon my family. She was a force of nature. When she wanted to get something done, she did it. And she would make friends with everyone—get their life story—from each waitress she met to every receptionist or doctor. I don’t know she did it. She was nosy in a charming manner.

Momma always said to me “I can talk to you” and that I “tell it like it is.” And that makes me feel good, that my grandmother was able to tell me things and know that I would give her my honest opinion. I think we had a special relationship. And Momma also always “told it like it was” so I’m glad I got that trait from her.

One of my favorite stories is when Momma and Poppa took care of me after my brother Andrew was born. Back then I was, apparently, a picky eater. I didn’t like my foods “touching”. So when I had meatballs and spaghetti, the meatballs were on one spot on the plate and the spaghetti on the other. But when we had that for dinner and Momma put the meatballs ON TOP of the spaghetti, I flipped out and cried (because I always cried) and refused to eat it. In exasperation, Momma called my mom and asked her “what kind of daughter do you have?”

Oops!

I’m not sure if it was that same time, staying at the apartment in Queens, that Momma asked me if I watched Howdy Doody and I said “Howdy Whatdy?” because I thought she was making that name up. I watched Sesame Street, I told her. Now that I’m a mother, I am again.

I have wonderful memories of spending time with Momma—and Poppa—throughout my childhood. Getting my first manicure in Forest Hills. I remember walking in Chinatown and Momma and Poppa buying me a silk doll.

One of my earliest memories is actually when I was around two years old and Momma took me to visit her nephew Richie, who is a chiropractor. During the visit, she had him check my back and I SCREAMED bloody murder.

And when Momma used to mooch cigarettes off of strangers at restaurants—now this was in the 70s, when I was a young girl—I used to tell her, with Poppa’s approval, that they were yucky and that I wouldn’t let her kiss me.

As a teenager, my parents allowed me a lot of freedom in terms of self-expression. And I have to admit I did dress a bit unusually. Momma wasn’t a fan of how I dressed and she would let me know that. So I would deliberately dress in the most—shall we say—“avant garde” outfits I had when I visited her—knowing it would get a reaction.

When I was in college, Momma would call me all the time. My roommate used to pick up the phone and say “it’s your grandma” and I always knew it was Momma and not my dad’s mom. Actually, she had an uncanny knack of calling my parents’ house JUST when we sat down for dinner. It didn’t matter what time we ate—whenever we picked up our forks, the phone would ring.

Momma was actually a very good confidant. Perhaps it’s unusual to discuss dating with your grandmother, but she was a sympathetic ear during the years I was single. When I met my husband I really wanted him to meet my grandparents. We had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, only a few months before Poppa died. It was a day I’ll never forget and my grandparents made quite the impact. They dressed impeccably—Momma always in heels, even with her arthritis—and the term grande dame comes to mind when I picture her.

That luncheon was quite memorable. Momma ordered Eggs Benedict and they were quite runny. She was not thrilled and brought it to the attention of the waitress. She turned to us and asked us “I’m not embarrassing you, am I?” And we assured her that she wasn’t.

And she and Poppa regaled us with stories about how they first met and when they were dating. Stories I’d never heard before. It was a wonderful afternoon.

Sadly Poppa died that Spring and Momma was heartbroken. Then my husband and I became engaged the following November and were planning our wedding and we wanted Momma to be a part of it, to share in our happiness. She battled long and hard with depression to be there for me. It meant so much to us that she was there.

Last December we were thrilled to share the news that we were to become parents. Momma cried with happiness. So I am very glad that Momma was able to see me become a mother. She knew how much I yearned for that.

Though my son had other ideas about that part … he needed a little shove to make his entrance into the world. I was induced. She wanted to be at the hospital—like she had been for my cousin when she had her children—but I didn’t want her sitting in an uncomfortable chair waiting for hours when I heard that induction could take a long time.

I went in the night before and Momma actually called the hospital early in the morning to check on my progress. She was upset that she hadn’t heard from me yet. The nurses couldn’t tell her anything but patched her call into Labor & Delivery for me to say “Nothing had really happened.” However things progressed quickly after her call.

I was concerned about how she would feel about my choice of name—Aaron being my dad’s father’s name, and not naming him after Poppa. I worried needlessly. Momma said to me that it was a perfect choice. That she remembered my grandfather with a big grin on his face and that she hoped that my Aaron be like that.

I hope that the time she spent with Aaron added to her joy of being a great-grandmother. I will forever treasure a photo I took of her, holding him with this look of love in her eyes. The last day I saw her was last Wednesday. I brought Aaron with me and we went into her room. I put him on the bed next to her and she opened her eyes and said, very quietly, “Tattie Shayna.” She tried to say something else to me, which I think was I love you. So I said “I love you, too.” I’m glad those are the last words I said to her.

Lastly, I want to share what my husband Jonathan and I did yesterday. I didn’t have anything appropriate to wear today. So we went to the Short Hills Mall—alas Nordstrom and not Nieman’s—to get something to wear. I got this dress and my husband got suspenders and a new tie. We figured Momma of all people would approve.

And, Momma, I’m wearing makeup.

(Momma was always telling me to wear makeup... she was quite upset that I seldom did.)

New Year's Reflections

2009-12-31T19:01:00.000-05:00

Last year, on New Year's Eve, I was newly pregnant—only 8 weeks along—and so tired from the early pregnancy symptoms.

This year, on New Year's Eve, I'm a tired mom of an active infant. I'm in bed, typing away on my blog, just before 11 pm. And I hope to be going to sleep BEFORE the ball drops and it's 2010.

Overall, it was a great year. The most amazing one of my life. In 2009 I went through most of my pregnancy and delivered a beautiful, happy baby boy. I shouldn't complain about anything... though there were ups and downs. Money woes. Little Man's brachycephaly and the helmet. My feelings of guilt.

And now as this year ends, so will my grandmother's long life. She fought to be around, with her family, even though she would have liked to have followed my grandfather when he died in May of 2007. But she was here to see me marry. To see me FINALLY become a mother. Momma has been such a huge influence in my life. And soon she will no longer be there for me to talk to. I have been blessed to have her for so long. It's her time and Hospice is taking care of her during her last days. But it doesn't make it easy. And I'm sad that Little Man won't remember her at all. But at least she got to know him. Got to love him. And that's a special thing.

So as this year ends—a new one begins. I hope that the year ahead is full of wonderful discoveries for my son. For me, as I watch him. For my husband, who needs a new path. And the coming year brings to me a new decade. I'll turn 40... Well, that's not something I'm that thrilled with. But I hope that the New Year is truly a Happy one.

Initial Thoughts on Little Man's Helmet

2009-12-28T06:28:00.000-05:00

It's not so bad. I mean, yeah, it's a bit unwieldy and rougher against my arm when I feed him a bottle. But it doesn't look sterile (even undecorated in white) and Little Man looks rather cute in it. He really isn't crying or sleeping any differently. He does not like when I take it on and off for his exercises (for his Torticollis) but beyond that, seems to be adjusting well to his new "chapeau."

After months of feeling guilt for allowing my son's head to flatten, I'm now feeling HOPE that by wearing the DOC band that he'll have a base of his skull again. Even though this has cost us a lot financially, I went to the right place for my son.

I'm going to add a "page" to my blog with before photos and share them with you. I know there are other moms who are dealing with plagiocephaly, brachycephaly, scaphocephaly and torticollis. But I don't want this to be the ONLY focus of my blog. This is just a part of Little Man's life—and mine. Motherhood is full of challenges and celebrations and I want to document as many of them as I can.

Little Man will be my only child and I want to ENJOY his infancy and his milestones and ever-developing personality.

So the helmet is just a part of his life—it doesn't define him.

NASCAR Look Out

2009-12-24T04:22:00.000-05:00

There's a new driver in town—Little Man!

The Big Day

2009-12-23T03:55:00.000-05:00

Little Man is getting his DOC Band today. I'm a jumble of emotions right now. I'm still feeling so terribly guilty for letting him sleep for hours on end in the same position in his infant carrier. And while I know I didn't KNOW, it's still hard to move past this. My husband keeps saying "it's not your fault" but I was home alone with him for two months.

That sick feeling gets worse when I see photos of him from his first 6 weeks of life. It's like the flatness happened overnight. But, honestly, it just got worse over the last two months (even though I kept him off his back as much as possible) and I've since found out that it's NOT easy to reposition for Brachycephaly.

So now I'm feeling hopeful that Little Man's head will finally "round out" and that he'll do leaps and bounds better developmentally once his head is more balanced on his shoulders and not "front heavy".

I haven't really posted any photos of Little Man, but I will as his journey with Brachycephaly and a DOC Band continues.

Four Month Stats

2009-12-18T13:45:00.000-05:00

Not much for this blog except for the bare basics.

Birth
Weight: 9 lb
Height: 20-1/2"

4 Months
Weight: 17 lb 12 oz (90th percentile)
Height: 25-1/4" (60th percentile)

He's a big boy!

Going with a DOC Band

2009-12-14T12:46:00.000-05:00

Little Man goes for his scan at Cranial Technologies this week. My husband and I decided to go with an active band (and pay out of pocket) rather than get a passive one (from Hanger) even though our insurance would pay 100% for it. Yep, we're paying $3600, which we don't have since I really haven't heard well of passive bands/helmets from other plagio moms.

I got a better feeling from CT. They ONLY do this. Hanger, while it seems like a great company, does not. Plus they helmet for 6 months as opposed to the 2-3 estimate from Cranial Technologies. I know it could take longer and, honestly, we most likely would not go with a 2nd band if the improvement is good enough. But I felt more confidence in the staff of CT and am very optimistic about how Little Man will do.

On a positive note, my parents and Dude's parents are going to help us financially. So the cost of the helmet isn't so scary high. It's still a hit, but their help has eased some of our burdens. And it goes to our out-of-network deductible... that's something, right? I just need to make sure that CT submits it to our health insurance.

Another thing that's helping us is a Care Credit loan. It's like a credit card for health care expenses. Only that you get a 0% interest option for up to 24 months—though in this case it was for 12. But 12 is better than nothing, right?

In other news: Little Man is 4 months old today!

He goes for his well baby appointment (and shots... poor guy) on Wednesday. I'm so curious as to how big he is. I'm guessing he'll have doubled his birth weight and be 18 pounds. And I hope the pediatrician gives the go ahead for rice cereal, since he's always hungry. I'll update on Wednesday and will share his 4 month photo.

And as an update to his Torticollis, he's doing really well in physical therapy. I'm really glad about that. I hope he'll only go for a few more months.

Little Man Needs a Helmet

2009-12-08T11:01:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog, my first entries were about Little Man's two month well baby visit and the fact that he was diagnosed with Torticollis and Positional Plagiocephaly. When I went to his three month visit (with another pediatrician in the practice) I brought it up and how his head shape hadn't changed. That doctor suggested I take Little Man for an assessment at Cranial Technologies, who makes the DOC band for reshaping babies' heads.

I had a feeling that my son would need a helmet and I even figured out what type of head shape my baby had. It was confirmed that Little Man has Brachycephaly and, to my surprise, a technically severe case. I say technically since he looks like a moderate case (if you click on the link and view the photos) but by his measurements—100%, which means his head is as wide as it is tall and it should be 1/3 taller than wide—his case is severe. So a DOC Band was recommended.

I'm now waiting for their insurance coordinator to contact me. The chances of our insurance covering this band is pretty slim, especially considering our policy has an exclusion for orthotic devices for reshaping purposes. And that really sucks since the cost for one helmet is $3600 and sometimes babies need two. But I'm praying that our son will only need the one and will only have to wear it for 2-3 months.

It's so weird saying 2-3 months when he isn't even 4 months old! He'll be wearing a DOC band until he is 7 months old (give or take) and that will be about half his life. But for his future well-being, my husband and I will be going ahead with this, regardless of what our insurance does or does not cover.

Apparently babies with untreated brachycephaly have increased risk for ear infections, TMJ and often do not fit into bicycle helmets (or football helmets). It's very difficult to reposition a baby with this type of plagiocephaly and, thus, banding is very often recommended. Add to the mix Little Man's Torticollis... well, it's a long road ahead of us.

So in the coming weeks, I'll probably blog a lot about the process of getting a helmet and my financial woes as a result. But I'm doing what's best for my son and his future head shape. I hope he won't be too irritated by the helmet once he gets it.

I'm a mom, but...

2009-12-03T12:15:00.000-05:00

I'm also a woman. And being a mom isn't the only thing that defines me. Though it IS something I've yearned to be for years and I am so grateful to be Little Man's mother.

I was a daughter and granddaughter before I was a woman or wife (or mom) and my family is still very influential in my life.

My maternal grandmother, who I call Momma (pronounced mum-ma), is in the hospital. She had breast cancer last Spring and the probability that it's returned is high. Yet her symptoms (high calcium levels) aren't easily diagnosed to a cause. No matter what is causing the increase, she is still weak and is hospitalized. I'm not sure how much longer she'll be with us. I want her around, but I don't want her to suffer. My grandfather died from lung cancer two years ago and he wasted away. Momma would not want that for herself.

Momma has always been a polarizing figure in my life. I'm not sure mere words can explain her impact on my family. My mom and aunt have been shaped by her in very different ways. It's interesting. My mom did whatever my grandmother told her. Momma is like a force of nature. And she will walk up to complete strangers and ask them their life story—and share much of hers. My cousins used to be embarrassed by that, but I just found it amusing.

Momma always says to me "you tell it like it is." I got that from her.

Mind you she's a piece of work at times. But mostly I think of her as a "grande dame" of yesteryears. She dresses in pumps and skirts (NEVER pants) and her pearls. Yet she'll wear a robe around the house. It's odd. And she'll tell you things "for your own good". Like if you have a pimple. Or if your gray roots need covering. But she "means well."

Yet she truly does. She's helped me financially and she really cares for her family.

I don't know how long my grandmother will be around, but I'm glad she got to see me become a mom and be a great-grandmother of 3 (including my cousin's 2 children). Hopefully she'll see more of Little Man's milestones. You never know.