Before I had children, I would have said no. No, of course it wouldn't change me. I'd still be the same person I was before but with added responsibilities. Well, that isn't the case.
Before I was a mom, I'd drive all over the place to see my friends. And I had these grandiose plans to just take Little Man with me. But he's a fussy napper and doesn't necessarily travel well (beyond 30 minutes in the car). So I've canceled plans with friends at the last minute and now have probably ruined a few friendships as well. It's like I freeze and panic. I never did that before. But now, all of a sudden, it's like I'm unable to do things on my own because I worry about Little Man and how he'll react--or how I'LL react due to the lack of sleep (he wakes up early) if I'm out too late.
So I've changed. Not always for the better. And I'm not sure how to let my friends know that I don't mean to hurt them with my indecisiveness. I love my friends. But I know I've let a few of them down in the last several months and I'm not sure they will accept my apologies. Perhaps if I'd only done it once, they would. But you know that saying: Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me? These friends must feel like they are fools for thinking I'd be there.
It sucks. It really does. Because I know I'm making these poor choices and it stems from fear but I really can't convey this to my friends. I think my friends who are mothers understand (they say they do) and my best friend does (but we've known each other for 27 years) but a few of my friends may not.
So I hate that I haven't changed for the better. I'm still me. And I'm a good mother. And I'm not a bad person. But some of these changes have been for the worse.
anyone who says you haven't changed for the better either isn't a mother or is just not worth being friends with!
ReplyDeleteHave you changed? Definitely, as it is part of being a mother. But you are also learning on the job how to work and adapt your life around your child's needs and less on the needs of yourself. It's a never ending learning process and you're bound to have friendships that change along with it. You may have friends who understand and stick around while you learn, and you may have others who do not, but what does that tell you about the friends who do not stick?
I think you're being too hard on yourself. The first years are hard and things constantly change. True friends DO understand. The others... well they probably aren't worth it. Hang in there... it is all worth it!
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