An Ending

I had a very good friend in college. Our friendship started when we met at orientation, a few months before our Freshman year began. While our political views were opposite, we had enough in common to maintain a friendship for years beyond college and with a distance of hundreds of miles.

She was always a better friend than I. She remembered everything I said and she was thoughtful in asking about people I knew and about my family. I'm not saying she was perfect, because she wasn't. But she gave more than I did. And a few years ago, I let her down by goofing off online when I was on the phone with her and just not being there for her. So she cut me out of her life. I tried to make amends, but I recently found out that my attempts were not enough for her.

She kept emailing me and sending gifts for Little Man. Very thoughtful, but we hadn't talked since I told her I was pregnant (and she quickly got me off the phone). I truly believed she wanted me out of her life and I couldn't figure out why she kept including me in her mass emails and sending my son gifts. So I wrote a note basically saying I was confused to why she kept in touch that way when it seemed she wanted me out of her life. And I asked her to stop sending gifts for Little Man if she didn't want our friendship to continue.

I don't regret sending my note. But I did get what I asked for. She sent a cold letter basically telling me off for my behavior. She was right, I let her down. But I'm tired of being beat up over it. And I'd rather her hate me and cut me out of her life than feel so uncomfortable when I heard from her. She does. It's gone. A friendship over.

I hope my other friend, who I recently hurt, will forgive me. But I'm a coward. I haven't called or written. I'm tired of being hurt. And I've been hurt way too much by others. All the recent news of bullying reminds me of my childhood and teenage years. So to think that *I* hurt people the way I was hurt... well, that sucks.