Monday, October 6, 2014

Time for Changes

This blog has been long ignored, as I've only posted sporadically over the last few years. I wonder if it's because I was trying to think of posts related to my son. And the older he has gotten, the more I've been able to focus on myself and I think the point of my posts should shift to that. I'm still a mom of one and, at 44, I am definitely DONE. But my life isn't all about my son and my blog shouldn't be either. I used to blog when I was single and dating and then planning my wedding and  I made the blog private some years ago when I switched to this one (and my former Wordpress one). I thought my entries flowed better and perhaps I just had more time to write--because I certainly don't now...  So Mom of One--and Done will be going through an evolution. I think there will be a mix of posts with how my now KINDERGARTNER is doing and how I am coping with my life. I don't know if anyone will actually read my blog but I guess it's more like a diary in some ways and I am not posting for readership.

Now to give some long overdue updates.

My husband had shoulder surgery in June and has been having physical therapy to rehab it since then. He will likely stop this month. He's improved but I don't think it will be 100% better. I guess as long as he isn't in pain any longer we are all happy.

Little Man is no longer so little. He "graduated" from Pre-K and started Kindergarten in September. He is a younger Kindergartner with an August birthday but he seems to be doing well. At least I hope so. I haven't been receiving any notes saying there have been behavioral issues like last year.

This Summer we joined a local water park and pool and enjoyed ourselves immensely. Little Man still had ear tubes, so we didn't manage swim lessons. But they have come out and as soon as Soccer ends (through our town... he likes it but isn't focused enough to do well) we'll set up swim lessons.

Me... I've eaten far too much the last six plus months and I've put on at least 10 lb. Possibly more. I refuse to weigh myself until the waistbands of my pants are looser. But today was day one of my new plan: EAT LESS, MOVE MORE, LOSE WEIGHT and as soon as I can figure out a way to go to meetings again, I'll rejoin Weight Watchers. The issue I have is that the times of the meetings aren't conducive to my lifestyle.  There were several Saturday meetings that could have worked, but I don't feel a rapport with the leader. But it always worked for me, so I'll have to suck it up again and get myself back on track. I feel awful about myself.  I hate how I look in pictures. I just want to feel slim again. And as I head to the halfway point of my 40s, I feel it even more.

My family... my mom has deteriorated so much that I hardly recognize her. She is miserable. She has no quality of life. I hate that I pray for her suffering to end, but I do daily. And I know so many people who have lost their parents and would do anything to have them back in their lives and here I am wishing my mom would die so she wouldn't be suffering. She cannot talk. She cannot walk. She doesn't read. She doesn't eat by mouth (permanent feeding tube). My son is uncomfortable around her, I think. And I hardly have the time to spend with her. I get home from work, cook, spend time with my son and husband. Take care of my senior dog. And when I go into my parents' suite, she is generally out of it and ready for bed. I feel for my dad who is her primary caregiver, but I'm unable to help him as he truly needs. Then there is my brother...  I cannot really say much there but I don't know how he'll manage in life once my dad is gone because I will not live with him or care for him. It's a shame how things have turned out.

My husband's family...  they are really good to me. But there are times when I feel very isolated. I don't feel a part of them and am often uncomfortable when around them in a group. I don't feel the same way when we visit my in-laws or my husband's siblings separately. Individually I am more confident and feel more comfortable. But in groups... I just feel awkward. It's not them, it's me. And I think being around them makes me feel sad that my extended family, with the exception of my aunts and uncles, aren't in my life.

I do need to make some other changes. I'll write more about that later. But changes are coming. I need to make them happen.

No comments:

Post a Comment