Monday, January 16, 2012

Overwhelmed by it all

There are days I just goof off on Facebook with a wonderful group of mom friends I met on a forum for parents over 35. Then there are days when I am like a hermit, avoiding everyone but Little Man and my husband. I've come to accept that I am battling a type of depression that I'm not willing to get help for because I feel like I have NO TIME for myself, and that's not just poor scheduling. I really don't.

My son takes up a lot of my time (and I'm not complaining, he's the light of my life) with ferrying to and from his daycare/preschool and being home for his Early Intervention therapy sessions, which will be increasing soon to address some gross motor and adaptive self-help delays. Then there is the dog(s). I give a plural because I invariably end up taking care of my brothers' dogs because he is too ill to do so himself. It's getting to be a lot to handle. Then you add my mom to the mix...

She is so depressed that she hasn't been eating and is practically skin and bones. She barely weighs 100 lb and while that is an improvement from the 93 lb she was last month (fully dressed, no less!), you have to literally feed her to make her eat. I am not that patient a person and I am completely fed up with her now. I wasn't last year, when we moved in to help with care and upkeep of the house. But now...

There's a difference between someone being amenable to being cared for and one who just lies like a log and doesn't leave her bed or shower or seem to care about her only daughter and only grandchild. She's not having another one because I'd expect a Powerball win before my brother has a child. And my dad is probably too overwhelmed by everything, despite his gruffness and shrugging it off, to really be of help. Or he is in denial. But I think my mom needs to be hospitalized. I don't have it in me to be a full-time caregiver to someone who doesn't HELP ME. At least my 2.5-year-old son is getting better with feeding himself and dressing himself (and EI will help that). My 69-year-old mother prefers being an invalid hermit to anything else. She has pushed everyone who cares for her away... her sister can't be there and I'm just too tired from doing it all. I wish I had a new, high-paying job and Little Man could be in daycare and away from the negativity that this house exudes.

I'm nearly 42 years old and am not THAT old but I feel older than I am.  My age and poor financial decisions are why we decided to be "one and done" but I think if I hadn't been convinced before, I would be now. I need a light at the end of the tunnel... a child who is potty trained, sleeps in a bed, doesn't use a pacifier and feeds himself. I realize I'll be caring for him for many years to come, but I guess I need some self-care too.

I wish I could justify a spa day... but I need to cut back the spending and start saving so SOMETHING will change for the better.

1 comment:

  1. Aaron will get there. The pacifier, if you want my opinion, I would take away and say it's lost. I have friends that have kids Emma's age (and basically, Aaron's) who did that with their kids over Christmas and the kids were fine. No problems.

    Emma doesn't always feed herself. "mom, help me!" is often the cry from the table if she's struggling to spear or scoop something up.

    And the PT will come too. He just has to decide that for himself and yeah, he will. :)

    But you DO need to take care of yourself. I get a half day every 3rd week and I leave Emma at daycare and do what I want. It's nice. For 3 1/2 hours I get to do something for myself. Whether it's pretend I'm going to come home and clean and then read a book. :) You have to because a depressed mommy is not a good mommy. I struggle with that myself.